INDIFFERENCE

The Secrets of Dumbledore

This started off with the Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. 

When did the segue happen? More importantly, why the segue?

And honestly, I think all this Dumbledore being the all fired chosen one is annoying. 

Harry Potter being the all fired chosen one was super annoying as well. 

And here we have Newt who is incredibly talented and amazingly under valued. 

I don't know if this trilogy was intended from the start or just sort of made up as they went along. 

It feels like the the latter, truth be told. 

I would expect that someone of Rowling's caliber to be able to put the story together a bit better than that. 

It was disconcerting in the very least to suddenly find Tina Goldstein out of the picture for Newt's triumph. I understand that she's promoted and it's an important position, but Newt is the man she's in love with, embarking on a life threatening mission to save her sister! 

It's all very 2 dimensional. It was a slow build and I felt like that they ran out of time to cover everything they really wanted to. 

On the more liberal side of things, there is the gay romance between Dumbledore and Grimelwald. There's no accounting for taste of course, but it is utterly mind boggling that Albus found anything to love in Gellert and vice versa. 

This is another prime example of the 2 dimensional characterisation. 

I did not hate it but I did not love it. 

I am indifferent. 

Just Me. 

SUITABILITY

Can everyone do everything?

Should everyone want to everything?

I read somewhere recently the harmful side effects of the mindfulness movement. 

One of the side effect appears to be depression. I admit, I do not see how the one leads to the other. 

However, I am a great believer in moderation and I do know that any principle misapplied can lead to damage. 

To that end, this idea that anyone can do anything and all skills can be learned, is a rather damaging prospect. 

On the face of it, it seems like a positive, energising, uplifting mantra. However, not everyone can learn everything. Not everyone can do everything. Indeed not everyone wants to. So when you are put in an environment where you are surrounded by people who tell you that you can do it and you almost believe it and you fail, you are left with no one to blame but yourself. 

All that heartache has nowhere to go but inwards. 

Just Me. 

RECOVERY

Vengeance. 

It is a powerful motivator. 

It compels incredible acts. Acts of unmitigated cruelty, acts of reckless courage and acts of destructive rage.

The trauma manifests itself in many different ways. 

The manifestations of trauma is myriad and shocking. 

The process of healing tears down this outflows of trauma and shocks you. 

The process of healing is quite a bit more frightening than the trauma itself. 

You can't hide from the healing. You have to experience it. 

It is suddenly shockingly clear that you have hidden your personality behind trauma responses. 

What do you do then? 

How do you distinguish the trauma response from who you are? 

Just Me.

UNPOPULAR OPINION

9/11 2001. 

It was the day the world changed. Conventional wisdom went out of the window that day, it came crashing down with those two beautiful buildings. 

I am sitting through the documentary series they made to commemorate the tragedy. It is a series documenting the day through the eyes of the survivors. This was a tragedy of epic proportions, made worse because the whole world was watching it in real time. It was a sign of global connectivity, a tragedy that touched millions of lives across the world. 

It was also the start of the 'War on Terror.' Americans rallied. They reacted. It was a tragedy, a disaster, a catastrophe. It was an act of terrorism that needed to be avenged. America sent its agents and soldiers out into the world, fully suited up, armed to the teeth with only one command; Avenge Us. Vengeance was sought and vengeance was had. It was called justice. 

Even today, the world mourns. The grief is real. The disaster was real. The lives lost were real. However, Americans live their lives thinking they were the only victims. The truth is much more complex. These terrorists utilised innocent people, hijacked public transport to carry out their heinous act. There is excusing their actions. There is no condoning their actions. That is not the question. The question that we should ask ourselves is this. Can we understand their actions? It is easy to dismiss it as fanaticism. When you demonise the terrorist, you dehumanise them. You dismiss them as psychopaths, as bad people whose actions cannot possibly be understood. When you block off understanding, you lose the chance to know. 

What I think National Geographic should do, is make a series of documentaries; A Day in Afghanistan. They should do a similar style documentary, told through the eyes of the survivors of US drone strikes in Afghanistan. Do a minute by minute documentary of a 'righteous strike' planned and executed by American soldiers. I think this will cause a shift in many opinions. The difference between what happened in the US on that one day and what happens on a semi regular basis in Afghanistan is the fact that one act was perpetrated by individuals and another was carried out by a uniformed soldiers in service of their country. In the purest sense of the word, the Americans on Afghani soil are terrorists too. There is no denying that either. 

Just. Me. 

REVELATIONS

Unethical Decision Making.

It can be assumed that this is something that would only matter in an organisation that deals with life or death situations. Organisations that could cause bodily harm or the devastation of livelihood. However, unethical decisions abound in any organisation, big or small. 

Unethical Decisions are essentially decisions that are blatantly unfair or exploitative. Any decision made from a primary position of power serving only self-interests. 

You may be fooled into believing that only bad people do bad things. It is a belief many of us hold dear. That a kind person, a fair person, a friendly person could not possibly make unfair or unethical decisions. This is a fallacy. This notion of good and evil is quite naïve. No one is entirely good nor entirely evil. Serial killers have families and God fearing, family men have created and dropped atom bombs on whole cities! 

You can look at yourself as a truly good person, yet lay the groundwork for unbelievable miscarriages of justice. 

Just Me!  

CONCLUSIONS

Solitary confinement is a cruel and unusual punishment. 

Let that sink in a minute. 

I grew up watching movies like Shawshank Redemption and even movies as recent as Ocean's Eight referenced solitary confinement. It turns out that the silver lining from the pandemic lockdown is the discovery that solitary confinement amounts to mental torture. People across the world that are sheltering in place, are experiencing the effects of solitary confinement. 

Imagine my surprise when after being told this fact, I make the secondary discovery that I am experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from solitary confinement!

No, I have not been in solitary confinement. Let me qualify that. I have not been in physical solitary isolation. However, I have been in solitary isolation inside my head for my entire life. Hence, the PTSD. It is galling to discover that I have given myself PTSD. 

How did I do that? 

I don't fit in. After years of trying to fit into family that don't understand you, friends who think you odd, society that derides you for failing to conform, I looked for somewhere to hide. My elegant solution was to create a little cell block in my head and confine myself to it. 

I used it as a survival mechanism and it worked for a good long while. However, I have the time now to exit survival mode and thrive. 

So I shall leave you with this:

Forgive yourself for the things you did to survive. Get better, be better, get healthy. 

Just Me. 

PROCESSING

 I am having trouble reconciling my values, my wants and social pressure. 

I have always had issues with my body weight and my body image. I thought that the operation took care of my issues but it turns out, it possibly only distracted me temporarily. I am still bulimic. I am still overweight and I still can't control myself around food. 

I was tempted by the Healthpointe programme because it seemed easy but really all it is, is a fancy Atkins programme. It has supplements built in. It also has a coach and the usual measure yourself and all that jazz. I am not going to tie myself to the programme, however I would like to re-programme my health. I think I do need to build some muscle and gain some fitness. So that is what I am going to do. I am going to work out constantly. Get back into my mindset of loving exercise. Dancing and walking and yoga. I am going to start the weight training so I can increase my metabolism. 

I wanted to try this programme as it is. I don't think that is a good idea anymore. I don't want to be involved in the programme with all the strings attached. I will do it without all the rigid Fascist monitoring. I find myself getting so angry about it. I don't want to be monitored. I can monitor myself. I am making a personal choice. However I don't like being told that I must do something in this way or it will not work. I am angry that this apparently brilliant thing that has worked for everyone cannot work for me. I want it to. I want to be like everyone else. 

I have come to realise that this is a GI Joe fallacy I have created for myself. If I can accept that everyone is different and one size cannot fit all, this is another example of exactly that. 

So I am going to do what I want to do. I will increase my nutrition because my joints are giving me trouble. I will eat right because I am putting on weight. I will start exercising frenetically because I want to get my fitness back. I want to dance. I want to wear nose bleed heels. I want to wear pretty, pretty dresses and nothing is going to stop me. 

Just Me.

HAPPY PLACE

I am grateful for the time I have found to improve myself. 

I have come to realise that I am happiest when I am learning something new and exercising my mind. 

I am grateful for my mind. I am filled with gratitude that I have the capability of pursuing my love for learning. I am grateful that I have these pursuits to fill my time. 

I am grateful that I am expanding my mind and learning new skills. 

I am grateful that my love of learning has allowed to rediscover myself. 

Just Me

CLEANSING

Ordinarily I am quite capable of defending myself. However at the end of 2019, I was at my lowest. 

I had lost staff that I had worked very hard to build. I was looking down the barrel of a long restart and rebuild. It was gut wrenching. I had barely wrapped my head around it when I was also handed the Events role while she used up her accumulated vacation time. It was taxing and tiring and not something I could possibly fathom doing as a dual role. It was at that point that I was offered the role full time. I was not convinced and I did not think it through. I heard "do us a favour." I also realised instead of re-starting in Manja, I would be actually re-starting in a completely new position. At that point it was also quite apparent that had I refused, I would in effect be doing both jobs for as long as I was able. No replacement had been found or even sought for the Events position. My criteria for taking the position was that it would not compromise Manja. 

I took it as a challenge to myself. Then I met Reuben. I understood the position he was in. I was the owner's cousin. I had years of experience on him within the organisation. I understood that he would be insecure and looking to make his mark. The first meeting with him was a disaster. I thought I would lay my cards on the table. I told him I was not motivated my money and I completely stunned him. He had no idea how to process that world view. Instead of trying, he decided that I was being coy and/or dishonest. He decided then and there what kind of person I was and then proceeded to ignore any and all evidence that indicated anything else. At the end of the meeting he told me to 'be motivated by money.' In hindsight and with the benefit of some distance, it was a humongous red flag. Here is a manager essentially in the Sales position who isn't motivated by money. It was blatantly ridiculous that no one in management flagged that - including the idiot (ME) that volunteered for the position. 

It was a decidedly downhill journey from then on. I am a very different person to him and he had no idea how to deal with me. He convinced himself that I was a this type of individual, wrongly, and then proceeded to only look for evidence to support his erroneous belief. In addition to this job that I detested, this manager that I disliked and who disliked me, I was also asked to do even more within the organisation. There were moments of reprieve, but on the whole it was catastrophic to my mental health. It was a constant case of gaslighting. He felt off balance and for him it was a case of a good defence being a great offence. Had I been at the top of my game, I would have told him where to stick it. However, his great offence did the job it was intended to do. I was off balance and overworked; it completely tanked my confidence. 

I am looking back and trying to imagine at what point I could have clawed my way back. I honestly cannot see my point of no return. I hung on for a year until I could not hang on anymore. 

Just Me. 

REFLECTION

 Letting go is never easy. 

The hardest part is what comes next. Once you've cut ties with the past that's holding you back, how do you move forward to the future?

Do you analyse every moment of your past? 

Do you explore reasons and patterns and events? Or do you cut your losses and move on?

I have a tendency to fixate. I have a tendency to over analyse and it is not always the best thing to do. I am learning that knowing the reason for something doesn't always help in preventing or changing the pattern. However some analysis is necessary. You must recognise the pattern. That means you have to look back to see patterns forming. Once that is done however, you need not dwell on the whys and why nots, instead all that is necessary is to evaluate if the pattern works for you and how to change the pattern if necessary. 

It may seem on the face of it that the body's physiological response to emotion and to stress is actually the same. However, it is not. While emotion is necessary and aids in the interpretation of our world, a stress reaction is not. 

Looking over a cliff causes an emotional reaction that we identify as fear. The body prepares itself. The lungs start drawing in breath starting the power plants in the muscles. The blood vessels dilate bringing more oxygen rich blood to the muscle. The body start secreting sweat to get started on cooling down the body. 

A stress reaction like anxiety, starts off in the same way and perhaps can be mistaken for fear. However, the lungs don't draw in breath effectively because the hormones that are starting the process are completely different. The fear or flight response doesn't fully kick in. It's a short circuit that happens and the energy builds with nowhere to go. The energy doesn't dissipate, and in looking for an outlet the chemicals end up in the brain, re-wiring and re-writing neural pathways. 

The first step in the healing process is to recognise and differentiate emotions and stress reactions. 

Baby steps. 

Just Me. 

TRIGGERS

The key to managing anxiety and depression, is self-awareness. 

It is said that knowledge is power. I very much agree. I believe in knowledge. I believe that knowledge grants you control. It at least gives you the illusion of control. I understand intellectually, that control is oftentimes illusory and fleeting. However, managing my anxiety has always depended on managing the illusion of control. I convince myself that I am in control. I convince myself by gaining knowledge. 

Knowledge to me is the ultimate power. I expend a lot of energy figuring out how things work so that I can make it work for me. It takes me down the path of overthinking perhaps, but it also keeps me from spinning out. 

I hate being denied knowledge. I refuse to take things on faith. I bristle at being told to simply follow instructions. I refuse to be monitored. I am accountable to no one but myself. 

I don't see that as something to be changed. I can understand being accountable when it is a job that I am being paid to do. I refuse to be hounded into watching what I eat. I didn't join a gym because I didn't want this nonsense. I don't care if it's my best friend, I refuse to be watched and judged. It's not happening. I have enough of that to deal with. I am not subjecting myself to this. 

Just Me.  

A FRESH START

Tonight, goodbyes were said. 

Goodbye to the last decade of my life. 

Goodbye to colleagues that have become family. 

Goodbye to the place that had become a second home. 

This role has demanded a lot from me. I would like to think that I rose to the challenges that it presented. There were many challenges, systems I had to learn from scratch, by necessity. Operations that were full on. A restaurant full of people and a team of untrained staff. It was a hell of a time. We persevered. We overcame. I like to believe that I had something to do with that. I believe sometimes that things happen automatically around me. It's difficult for me to believe that I had anything to do with the success that restaurant enjoyed in the early days. 

Looking back even now, I can only see the flaws. I can only dwell on the hesitations and the swallowed criticisms. It is in fact easier for me to dwell on the fact that it went from that success to this downfall on my watch. 

I am grateful for this job. I came into it at a point in my life when I needed to believe that I was worth something. I needed to prove to myself that I could hold down a job because for the longest time, that was a deep seated fear within me. After all the trials in my life, that was a fear that never left me, until I took this job. I proved to myself that I could do something. Keep to a timing, run operations, plan operations. 

I am grateful for all the opportunities that I had with this job. I think in a lot of ways, I squandered quite a bit of it. However, on balance, I think that I gained more from this job that it took from me. 

Just Me!

GRATITUDE

I have made it a resolution to keep a gratitude journal. 

Of course, I procrastinated to the point of exhaustion. 

So here is my journal entry for the day, entirely lacking in finesse. 

1. I am grateful for a family that stands by decision to put my mental health ahead of my career. 

2. I am grateful for forgiving friends who readily accept my absence and welcome me back into their fold. 

3. I am grateful for the friend who has held me accountable for my failings as a friend. It is a mistake I will not repeat again. 

4. I am grateful for parents who are even now striving to plan for my future, although I am fully capable of taking care of myself. 

5. I am grateful for the ability to offer assistance that makes a difference to the persons assisted. 

6. I am grateful for each day and every day. 

Just Me. 

TAKEN FOR GRANTED

A refrain has been echoing in my head. 

"To be, or not to be, that is the question: 

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer 

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, 

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles 

And by opposing end them."

Of course Hamlet was contemplating suicide and I am merely contemplating a change in career. A change in career is life altering. One might even say life ending. To be honest, it feels almost like giving up. 

A change of career this late in the game is actually quite terrifying. I don't know if my experience counts for anything. I am certain my degree doesn't count for much. The current situation is insane. 

However, it is at this point, that personal well-being should be taken into consideration. I need to figure out what makes me happy. I need to know what my aspirations are before I can achieve them. 

So now I have taken the plunge and resigned. During the exit interview, I realised that perhaps I did not fight hard enough to make things the way I wanted. That's my lesson learnt. 

And now to confront my long time fear. Am I good enough for the job market?

Just Me!

TAKEN TOO FAR

The re-reading of the previous post, has seriously derailed this one.

The pandemic still rages on. However, the reaction and the response has become imbecilic. While initially the response was warranted, they announced the changes without thought to the enforcement of the SOPs, without direction to the implementation of the SOPs and just a general disregard for the livelihood of the nation. 

As time wore on, the chain of infection seemed to be under control and certainly, it was low enough that foolishly, we thought it was over. I think what people don't seem to realise is that this virus is never going to go away. It's a virus. A virus is notoriously hard to kill, nigh impossible even. People forget that it took almost 20 years for us to come up with a way to manage HIV. There is still no cure for it. There is no vaccination against it and ironically, the only protection against it is a mask for your dick!

There is no chance of waiting out the virus. It is a question of learning to live with it. It is about being mindful of personal hygiene. It is about eating right and boosting immunity. It is about wearing masks in public. It is about sanitising hands and high touch surfaces. It is about leaving contact tracing information so you can be informed of an infection. That's it. There is no other way around it. 

Just Me. 

SMALL PICTURE THINKING

I am grateful to have in my life a fair mix of people who can appreciate the big picture view of things. 

The Covid-19 virus pandemic and the subsequent lockdown has really driven home, the prevalence of close minded, small picture thinking. It was facts that I already knew, but I still find myself reacting to the sheer abundance of sheep mentality. 

The number of people for instance who have made this huge fuss about the easing of the MCO. Bearing in mind that the lockdown has not been lifted completely, it is still amazing to me the reactions I see online from people I consider to be rational adults. 

The vast majority of the social responses I see is that the government has put money over the lives of people. That is really short sighted thinking. At some point, saving lives and livelihoods really overlap to the point that they are one and the same. 

The virus does not come with an expiration date and there was no guarantee that had the MCO be extended in its entirety till the May 12th, that the curve would have been flattened. 
It exhibits a hell of a small minded, ignorance. The curve that has been flattened may not stay flattened. 

I am grateful that I work for people who are understanding of this and who can understand what it is like to have to look at the big picture. 

Just Me.

IDENTITY

It is the time to get to know yourself.
I have realised that I like to write.
I am a writer, I am not a copywriter.
To a lay person, that seems like a contradiction in terms.
Is it not  the same thing?
The truth is, it is not.
A writer is an artist.
A writer writes from their own point of view.
A copywriter is one who writes from another's point of view.
I have realised that I believe in my point of view too strongly to be a copywriter.
I cannot change styles. I am beyond that point.

So I am grateful that I have come to that realisation.
I am grateful that I have achieved self-awareness.
I am grateful that I have managed to hold on to my sense of self despite the industry I am in.
I am grateful for my self awareness.
I am grateful for my mental strength.

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON...

Sometimes that reason is something that could have been avoided. 
Is it defeatism to say after a wasted day, that 'obviously' you "needed" the rest? Or positivity?
If you laze the day away, are you just making yourself feel better at the end of it when nothing you planned got done?

I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer for this...but I don't like the feeling that I am constantly working. On a weekend, I don't want to be working. To me, dishes, cleaning, folding, sorting...is WORK! Worse, it is work I don't even like and am not being paid for. 

So tonight I am expressing gratitude for time off. 
I do need the rest. 
I do not get enough of it on a normal day. 
I will get more 'work' in during the work week. 
I refuse to feel guilty about it. 

JUST ME. 

EXTENSION

The Prime Minister just announced that there will be an extension of another 2 weeks of this Movement Control Order. A majority of the country is reeling. 
I think however, that most of us knew it was coming. It would take a special brand of escapism to ignore the reality of it. 
If one were to examine the situation logically, it would be obvious that a 2 week lockdown would do next to nothing to 'flatten the curve'. It would however, have incited a full scale panic if the government had announced a 4 or even 6 week lock down all at once. 
So here we are, going into the 5th and 6th week of the lock down. Unless people react very foolishly, it will be the last two weeks of this. 
It is a bitter pill to swallow, but all medicine is. Medicine that isn't bitter is usually ineffective. 
It is no small sacrifice that has been asked of the nation and most of them have reacted in the exactly the way you would expect; ignoring the order, downplaying the situation and generally making things worse. 
Those of us who saw this coming, have a plan for work for the next two weeks. 
I am grateful that I foresaw this and I am grateful that I work with people who expected this. 
I am blessed to have work and I am blessed to have stimulating work. 
I am worried for the state of my family, my friends, the country and the world, but even in this there is a blessing as the lack of human activity has reduced pollution. So as we stay indoors and save ourselves, the world is drawing it's first clean breath of air. 

Blessings

Counting my blessings is harder than you might think. 
I think it is in our nature to dwell on the things that are lacking in your life instead of focussing on the blessings you have. 
Sometimes it takes a little bit of doing. 
However, one thing I am always grateful for are the people in my life. 
I have my fair share of idiots, let's be honest, who doesn't? 
On the whole however, I have been blessed by the people in my life. 
Well meaning family, irritating always but the love is always there. 
I have also been blessed to work with family. 
It was a hard decision to make to work with family and I was advised against it, by many, many people. 
Truth be told, I was unsure, I was worried and I was scared of ruining relationships. 
However, after 3 years of full time work, I count it as one of my blessings. 
I will never underestimate the blessing of having people who understand you. 
I will never take for granted the blessing of working with family that appreciate you. 
For someone as outspoken as I am, I am constantly grateful that I am with a group of people who take the time to understand that the honesty, is not merely hurtful.