Body image

Years of being the fat kid has left me with body issues a mile deep. It took dieting, exercise and finally an operation to get my weight down into the overweight category. Yes, after all of that, I have not managed to get my weight into the right weight for my height.
So at this point, I am frustrated. I have been struggling to reach my goal weight for some time now and I have not managed to hit it yet. I am determined to reach this goal this year. I don't care what it takes and how much of effort it will require from me. I am obsessed and I don't care who knows it. If I have to starve myself and work myself to the bone, then so be it.
I will attain my goal weight! I will do it this year and I will look fantastic doing it!
Just Me!

How are they making money again?

I placed a reservation over the phone on the 9/2/13 for 4 to LAX return. I was given until 4pm on the 12/2/13 to make full payment. I called at 3pm to enquire if I would be able to make a change to the date of travel as I wanted to change the return date. I was told that it wouldn't be a problem and would cost nothing because payment had yet to be made. So I rushed to the nearest ticketing counter eager to purchase my tickets. When I arrived at the counter at 3.40pm, I was told that system was down! It was a nationwide system crash. I was understandably upset and on the suggestion of the counter staff, I called the Call Centre to make sure that I would not lose my booking price. The call centre staff were also unable to accept payment because their system was also down. However, the staff member I spoke to; a Mr. Hasly, extended my deadline to 2pm on the 15/2/13. He assured me that I would not lose the booking price. I called the Call Centre the very next day and I was told that since the promotion period was over, a senior sales staff would call me back. So I waited and waited and waited for the call and received no call. I called the centre again on the morning of the 14th and I
was given the same run around again! I must admit I lost my temper a little bit. So finally I got through to a call centre staff called Anisah, who proved to be quite helpful. However, despite bearing the brunt of my annoyance, she was in no position to help as the staff member who could actually accept the payment was not at work yet. I get a call back from a Yasmin and she tells me that despite what I had been expressly told, I would in fact have to pay extra to change the date on my return flight. So here I am, stuck with possibly paying RM400 more per ticket for something that was not even my fault!
I cannot understand how MAS makes any money. My father spoke to Yasmin when she called back for the payment and she tells us flat out that there are multitude seats available on the return we want and yet they will not let us buy those tickets for the price we were promised. Of course we were given the old tried and tested line of how the employee made a promise they weren't even authorised to make.
Well as it turns out, it might a blessing in disguise because while all this was going on, I found that flying via Cathay Pacific into San Francisco would be cheaper! Take that Malaysia Airlines! Best Cabin Crew be damned, none of that even matters a damn if the company can't get butts in the damn seats!
Just Me!

The Journey of the US Visa

After years of trepidation about getting rejected for a US Visa, I spent exactly 512 ringgit, 5 hours waiting (in my car, at the embassy, in the traffic jam) and a total of 5 minutes face time, I am now the proud owner of a US Visa. I will have to pick it up on Wednesday. Really the whole thing is a bloody farce! I was sitting there and watching the goings on in the waiting room when an entire family trooped in (and I really mean trooped...there was like 10 or 12 of them!). I watched as the father patiently explained to lady behind the counter that this was the second time they were applying because they'd already been rejected once. Then I found myself chatting to a nice old gentleman about the fact that it's his third application. I can't imagine anything in America worth safeguarding so ferociously nor can I understand the desperation of these people to want to go there. Forbidden fruit I suppose. I mean the mad I was chatting with had like a bushel of supporting documents. I had nothing! I refused to take anything with me. My mother says I was very lucky. Considering I didn't even want to go on this blasted family holiday in the first damn place, I am not so sure!
This is my life!
Just Me!

My life so far

So my first post of 2013. It's been all of two months into the new year and I feel like I am drowning. That's just a freaking awesome feeling. 
I suppose it's also simply me being a little melodramatic. I mean I am looking at possibly getting a holiday to America in the next month. Pretty sweet right? NOT!
I don't want to go to America! I know, I know, for many people it's the promised land where dreams come true and all that. It just doesn't do it for me. To be honest, I don't know if that is because I genuinely do not want to go or just a case of sour grapes because I know the Americans won't give me a goddamn visa! 
I think it's a little bit of both. A lot more of the latter,  although I dread going on holiday with my family. I mean I can't get away from them on a good day! Being stuck with my family in a foreign country where I cannot run away or go off to work, or get in my car and drive is as close to a waking nightmare as it can get. 
I have a neurotic,fickle minded mother, who is never happy. An old-fashioned, pedantic father, who never listens to anything anyone says. A sister who is a petulant 5 year old stuck in the body of a 25 year old and brother whom I haven't seen in 13 years! I am the oldest and the screw up. Oh joy!
My first order of business in the new year...apply for a US tourist visa. In other words, I have to now waste about 160 bucks on an application for a visa that will most likely be turned down to go visit a country I am not even sure I want to go to!
Really, this is my life! I kid you not!
Just me. 

Harsh Truths

I am in a quandary. I had the opportunity to be a part of something big about a year ago. I recognised the opportunity for what it was and decided to get in at the ground floor despite my misgivings. I had some considerable misgivings because of the situation that it entailed. I generally do not like to work with my friends. I realise that colleagues eventually become your friends but I would rather work with strangers and build to that level rather than vice versa. Having said all of that, the problem really wasn't the working relationship at all. The problem is my professional ethics. I have none. I would like to believe that I do but the truth is I am simply lazy. I lack focus and I get distracted by shiny objects far too easily. I let my fear rule me and I simply shut down. I have this amazing ability to fool myself. I distract myself with fiction and fantasy and food (although that is no longer an option).
They say admitting that you have a problem is the first step to getting over your problem. That's true but no one ever talks about how bloody fucking difficult it is to take that second step. I've been on the first step for 20 years! I have this absolutely clear idea of my problems from all possible angles and I am terrified of taking that second step and getting over myself. I've sabotaged every chance I've been give, barricaded the door against opportunity, looked every gift horse in the mouth and then kicked it in the teeth!
So now here I am, being given an opportunity by a friend who is too loyal to quit on me. It makes me resent her a little. I don't want her fighting my battles for me. How's this for denial? I know that she makes it a point to adopt strays and lost causes. If you're a well rounded individual you're of no value to her. I knew this. I saw this and yet I deluded myself into thinking that I was the exception to that rule. The truth is, I AM THE FREAKING RULE! So she won't give up on me. She can't carry me because she has others to answer to but she won't give up. So here I am in the unique position to have to be the one to quit. And I can't go it. I will shoot myself in the foot a million times, but I can't point the trigger at my head and put me out of my misery. *Headdesk*
Just Me.

Opportunity

It is said that 'Opportunity only knocks once.' In my life opportunity has knocked many, many times. I have rarely had the courage to open the door. I am honest enough to admit that now but it is a truth that I have never fully realised until recently. I consider myself lucky because unlike the saying, opportunity has continued to knock on my door. I hope that one day soon I will have the strength and courage to open the door and seize it with both hands.
Just Me.

Deal with it.

How would you react, if someone close to you asked you for a favour? How would you react if that favour was something you were not comfortable with or even felt safe doing? Would you turn it down? Would you agree to do it despite your misgivings?
I agreed. I was insincere in my agreement and my misgivings were intense. After an entire night of agonising over this favour, I awoke to find that the deed was no longer required. I am not one to wallow in guilt or regret. Guilt and regret are the two most pointless emotions. Guilt and regret stagnate you when you should be moving forward.
It isn't so much regret that I feel but insecurity. I did not want to do this. I did not feel comfortable doing this. When someone wants a favour off you, they overlook every objection and every misgiving. What most people forget is the viewpoint of the person carrying out the favour. It is a favour. By definition it is a willing act of aid from one person to or for another. If there is unwillingness in the act, it is no longer a favour, it is an obligation. When you are obligated to do something, you put your misgivings aside and you carry out your duty to the best of your abilitie, uncomfortable or not. That is not the case with a favour.
I refuse to wallow in the buts and what ifs and maybes. I did not feel comfortable doing you this favour. I was not in the position to do you this favour. I agreed, against my better judgment and despite this, you walked away and refused my offer - without even doing me the courtesy of telling me first. I have nothing to be sorry about. I refuse to be guilty about it. I regret nothing. Deal with it.
Just Me.

TTT

I have just attended a Train the Trainer programme. It is something I consider a starting off point for a career in training. I am unsure whether that has been the case. I find myself strangely dissatisfied. I am thrilled because I am by far one of the best presenters in the class and it has been a great boost to my confidence level. I know that I am one of those people that need outside validation. I need to be told that I am good. I know instinctively that I can do this and that in fact I am good at it. Still, I crave validation. Outside validation was the reason I attended this programme. I find this happens wherever I go. I am always a head and shoulders above everyone else, yet I am far outstripped by them in achievements. Is this because of my arrogance in assuming that I am good? Or am I being lead down the garden path by those around me? I can't handle constructive criticism and I distrust any positve feedback. I have always known that I am a mass of contradictions but this is becoming too many contradictions even for my split psyche. So here I am in a a training session designed to imrpove my ability to train others. I am receiving the outside validation that I crave, yet I distrust it because it feels too good to be true. Honestly being a head and shoulders ahead of the others in this group is nothing because they quite frankly suck. So the question still remains, "am I truly good or am I just relatively good?" Just Me.

Just Me...Now

I need to blog. I keep promising myself to blog regularly and just as regularly, I fail. I only managed 7 posts last year and I haven't managed a post yet this year. I started this blog in the hopes that I would organise my thoughts, improve my writing and safely vent my emotions. However, I have utterly failed to achieve that. In fact I have failed to even venture into the mere vicinity of achieving that.
My thoughts flit through my minds so quickly. I feel passionately about many, many things but rarely ever passionately enough to hold onto the feeling for more than the 60 or so seconds it takes for the thought to slice through my mind. I am seeig a rather disturbing trend here. I make plans I don't keep, I make promises I don't keep, I can't hold onto my fire beyond the immediate. It is exceedingly obvious that I do not follow through. I lack perseverance. I have enough self-awareness to know this about myself but thus far, this self-awareness has not resulted in any kind of change. The only thing that my self-awareness has brought is a sort of intense dislike of myself.
This is one aspect of myself that I have managed to overcome to a slight extent. I no longer avoid looking in the mirror. I no longer sit around thinking of how much I would like to wipe my existence from the planet; to turn back time and never be born; to go to sleep and never wake up. It is painful to remember how intensely I disliked myself. I went on self-destructive rampage and nearly took out my family along with me. I tried to tell myself that I was only hurting myself, but that was never the truth. I have maded progress, I no longer want to die. I no longer think I am a horrible person. It is an ongoing struggle and I do not brush off criticism as easily as I appear to. In fact, I absorb comments as criticisms that were never even meant to be taken seriously. I feel judged all the time. It is a hangover from the time when I used to judge myself and always found myself falling short.
I have accepted the fact that this may be a struggle that will be with me forever. I don't want it to be; however, I may not have a choice in the matter. I hope I do.
Just Me.

Hard-wired

As human beings, we display a curious dichotomy about wanting to belong and wanting to stand out. We would like to believe that we are autonomous beings with individual tastes, unique likes and dislikes. Yet, we shy away from truly outlandish tastes. Whilst we crave to make our stand as individuals, we would not want to be singled out as different. This is best exemplified by the rebellious youth. Almost all teenagers, rebel in the same way. Punk, Goth, skaters, cheerios, geeks, whatever they call themselves, even the loners have cliques where the fit in and belong. The truth is simple and complicated. It lies in our genetic make-up and the lesson of millions of years of evolution is that there is safety in numbers. So we flock, just as bird do, gather in schools just as fish do, run in herds like buffalo and just like wolves, we hunt in packs. Our intelligence tells us that there is no harm in being alone. Yet there is still that yearning to belong, that need for acceptance and approval, that fear of isolation and abandoment. The survival instinct buried in our DNA is mostly responsible for this response. Francis Bacon said, "I think, therefore I am." He is right, but only in part. Our thought process are controlled largely by our senses. Our senses can be fooled. In fact, everyday, in many different ways, our senses are deceived and entranced sometimes to our detriment, sometimes for the benefit of others.I just watched a documentary on the psychology of consumer buying. The oddest things influence our simplest decisions. Succesful manufacturers actually pay attention to seemingly irrelevant and absolutely far-fetched aspects. Like the vacumn cleaner manufacturer that has hired an expert to fine tune the sound a vacumn cleaner makes or the hotelier that has an expert who spent weeks designing a unique scent for their chain of hotels. It seems crazy and utterly pointles, but it only takes a minute of reflection to realise that it isn't so random. The truth, we are led by our senses and our thought processes are very instinctive. Sensory triggers are powerful and unavoidable. My parents have spent years talking about the unforgettable taste of home-cooking or the unbeatable taste of street food that they haven't been able to re-discover. For me personally, the smell of my mother's pasta sauce has always been a source of comfort and there is nothing that stimulates my appetite more thoroughly than a mere whiff of vanilla. Once you objectively analyse your decision making process, many will find that it is a mere rationalisation of our instintive response. Obi Wan Kenobi was right when he said that 'many of the truths we cling to depend largely on our point of view.' Our minds are powerful and largely unexplored, and therefore remains unexplained. It is a little disconcerting to realise that my thoughts can be manipulated in such subtle ways. I would like to believe that I make my own decisions; that no one and nothing could influence my decision making process. The truth is rather less favourable. While being aware that such manipulations exist may make me less suceptible, I think the process of 'push button A, get response B' is hard-wired enough into my psyche that you will get response B eventhough I know you're pushing button A. How goes it with you? Just Me.

Buried Life

Saw the tail end of an episode of Oprah featuring the MTV series called The Buried Life. It's about 4 guys who go around America and do things on their bucket list and help others do the same. It got me thinking. What would be on my bucket list? I am quite embarassed to say that I don't actually have a bucket list.
There isn't a list of things that I would like to do before I die. I can't imagine why that is. The truth is, I suppose there are a whole host of things that I would do given half the chance, but there isn't anything that I absolutely want to. I reviewed my earlier posts and apparently I wrote a little bit of a mini bucket list a couple of years back. The first thing on that list was to lose weight! Oh my god!
Losing weight is something that dominated my every waking thought for as far back as I can remember. I've done. It took me 32 years and an operation but I have finally done it. I'm doing it. I am not down to the weight I want to be exactly but I'm getting there. Being as that was number one on my list for so long, I can't think of what else I want to do.
Best give this some thought then.
Just Me.

Temptation keeps knocking

I'm watching a show about people who are trying to quit smoking. As I sit here watching their withdrawal symptoms and everything they are going through, I'm amazed at the sheer drama invloved. I do not want to belittle their experiences or anything. I know first hand how difficult it is to give up an addiction.

I have been smoke free for about three years now. The surprising thing about it, was that I quit cold turkey and other than a cold that didn't go away for about three months after, I didn't have any problems. I didn't have withdrawal symptoms or mood swings or any of the other drama that these people are going through.

Watching the show though, I feel like lighting up. Ironically for me, I gave up an addiction easier than I gave up drinking. I gave up alcohol about two years ago. I was not an alcoholic or a binge drinker or even a regular drinker at that point. I gave up alcohol for spiritual reasons. I honestly have had more relapses with alcohol than with cigarettes. I find this somewhat amusing, because when I decided that I was going to give up alcohol, I hadn't even had a drink in over 7 or 8 months; whereas I was a 30 sticks a day smoker when I quit. So why was it so easy for me? My cousins and ex-smoking buddies are absolutely flabbergasted that I gave up so easily and that I have stayed smoke free for so long. I don't even feel the urge. I used to reach for a cigarrette whenever I felt bored. I used to smoke just to give my hands something to do. I won't pretend that I don't get bored sometimes, but I decided that cigarettes will no longer be a boredom reliever and so I simply don't even think about it.

With alcohol, it was never an addiction. It wasn't even a regular thing. The problem with alcohol is that it's a social nicety that I miss. It doesn't help that I am surrounded by people who don't understand why I've quit drinking.

There was no point to this entry but I just felt that I had to get it out there.

Just Me.

Bad Luck...

Comes in threes? Never has a saying filled me with more dread than this one. See this month alone, I've had two brushes with bad luck. Firstly, I' had my handbag snatched off me as I exited from the bank. This guy ran up and literally cut the handbag off my shoulder and ran off into the night. I lost my wallet which held my credit cards, my ATM card, my membership cards, my little diary, my pill box, my compact mirrors, my anti-plastic recyclable bag, my money, my mother's cheque book request form, a bunch of cheques, my mobile phone and here's the kicker, my month old, barely used, birthday gift; digital camera! I'm still weeping inside about that. I barely recovered from that. I am firm believer in the Law of Attraction and being mugged was something I was absolutely certain would never happen to me. It happened and my belief system is now shaken.

When I told my mother, I was given the lecture about 'asking for it'. That's something else I don't believe in. Bad things happen and I don't believe in blaming the victim. No one walks around with a neon sign saying rob me, hurt me, hit me, rape me...whatever. That's not how it works. It's the law of the jungle. So I was upset that Iw as robbed and then I was annoyed that I was being blamed. It's only natural I suppose it doesn't make it easier. When something happens, it's human nature to want to blame something or someone. It was the reason religion got started in the first place. So in a case like this, the only person left to blame is the victim.

Things had just started to settle a little after the mugging and I had driven up to Penang with my father and then was driving down with my mother when it happened. We were just out of the tunnel after the Kuala Kangsar bridge, on a winding downhill road when we had come up to a traffic jam. I've traveled this road a thousand times and I've never seen the traffic stopped like that. I pulled into the left lane of this two lane highway and put the car into park and waited for them to let us on our way. All I remember is seeing this big blue and yellow delivery truck coming up behind me and for a heartbeat it didn't make any sense, all the cars were stopped and here was this truck moving. Then I finally realised what I was seeing, this truck was coming between the two lanes! I threw my arm across my mother in the seat next to me, slid down into my seat because my seat belt doesn't work, put my foot on the brake and braced my arm against the steering wheel. (And yes, I realise now that bracing my arm against the wheel like that was an incredibly stupid thing to do. A hard impact would break my arm. So for future reference DON'T DO THAT!!!!!) Anyway, back to the story. I feel an impact because the Toyota Unser behind me smacked into me. For two heartbeats I thought that would be it, but I was wrong because the car jolted forward and smacked into the Toyota Hilux in front of me. The runaway delevery truck had bounced off the Unser behind me and scraped along the Hilux in front tearing off a side view mirror and coming to a stop wedged between the Hilux and the little lorry in the right lane. Now I drive a dinky little Proton Wira Aeroback Sports Edition and both the Toyotas are big solid things. The impact on the front was especially bad because the Hilux is a huge four wheel drive with a high rear end. My bonnet folded up like an accordion and the inside of my car got pushed a good five inches from the front bumper. Stepping out of the car, I could the hiss of gas escaping. There was tow truck in the line of cars behind us who thankfully stopped, helped, got us out of harms way and towed us to the nearest police station and workshop and so on. Bottom line, I'm out of a car for about a month.

One of the first things my mother said to a relative that called us right after the accident was that it's 'my daughter's bad time'. Way to play blame game mom. After these two, I'm wondering what's in store for me. I am trying hard not to think about the dreaded third time but it's there at the back of my mind.

I am determined to look at this positively. I did not lose anything that could not be replaced. Yes, it will cost some money and possibly a lot of time but I'm safe and my mother is unhurt so thi was a good thing. There's also a saying that the third time's the charm...so maybe the third time will be a blessing or a spot of fabulous good luck. Here's to the third time!

Just Me.

Mugged

I went to the bank that was right around the corner from my home. It was late but I'd done this a thousand times before with no incident. This time I was not so lucky. I was getting into my car when I heard a shout. I made the mistake of turning and I already had one foot in the car. He ran at me and grabbed my handbag. I held on to it but thenI saw the knife. As much as I wanted to hold onto the bag I did not want to risk it. He grabbed the bag and cut the strap and he was gone. Running off into the night. It was 2 minutes from start to finish. I lost my wallet containing my credit cards, my atm card, my identification card, my driving license, my mobile phone, my brand new digital camera plus a bunch of cheques. It was one hell of a night. I can't get the face of the fat son of a bitch out of my head and I desperately want to put this behind me. Being as firm a believer in the law of attraction as I am, I do not understand how this happened in the first place and I do not want this miasma of negative energy attracting more 'bad luck' my way.
Ironically, had I been the person I was a year ago, I would have fought back harder. I had nothing to lose back then and no knife would have deterred me. The last year has been a turning point and I didn't want to risk being injured but really more importantly being disfigured.
I am upset. I have searched my feelings and I think I am most upset because of the way I reacted or didn't in this case. I have always prided myself on my street smarts, I have always prided myself on my spacial awareness. I have always believed that I would react better in this situation and I would handle myself better and that no pathetic knife wielding punk of a man would ever get the better of me. I behaved in the exact opposite manner. I screamed, I hung on to my bag ineffectually and I got mugged. I could have kicked him away, I could have shut the door on him, I shouldn't have turned when he yelled, a million things I could have done and yet nothing changes the fact that I behaved appallingly. I was the epitome of damsel in distress. It is a stereotype that I hate and I hate that I embodied it today. Once I'd cancelled my cards and my phone and my atm card, I am ashamed to say that I was actually in tears. So now I'm ashamed. It's another dirty little secret to add to my laundry list of dirty secrets. If I ever see the little fucker again I will fucking cut his balls off! I want my camera back goddamnit, it was brand new!
Fuck what a night!
Eshwari

Birthdays

My birthday came and went almost a week ago now and I am still feeling the effects of it. I do not know when exactly the melancholy kicked in. Was it when I woke up and felt alone? Was it when I went about my day alone, whiling away my time before the birthday dinner? Was it the day itself when I thought about how life has passed me by? I'm a year older and what have I to show for myself? Was it when my aunt called to wish me a happy birthday and then choked on her tongue when she realised my age?

Truth be told, I am not too unhappy with the way things are. Maybe that is the problem. I am content. Although complacent would be a better word for it. I am not where I want to be but I don't know where I want to be. I am constantly hoping that the right thing will come along and but despite my talent and skill (which are more than adequate) I have find myself in this stagnant pool where I've lost my motivation, I'm constantly looking to escape my responsibilities and more often than not, find it in frivolous things.

The truth is, there is no better cure for lethargy than hard work. The problem is inertia. A body in motion wants to stay in motion and a body that is not in motion wants to stay still. Enough with the procrastination, I have decided that I will buck. I know age is but a number on a card somewhere, I know I have skill and talent and intelligence to spare. I have decided that until I find my passion, I will work at whatever comes my way.

Hopefully I will find my passion before work bloody well kills my soul.

Just me.

Stupidity...thy name is Religion

I have just been reading the newspapers and I'm disgusted. Absolutely disgusted. Some stupid fucking idiot of a priest wrote an article in a church newsletter and then translated it to Malay. Incorrectly! Apparently, this idiot used the word Allah as a translation for God. This has stirred up a hornet's nest of trouble as can be imagined. I mean, of course the Muslims are pissed off. I would be pissed off. Well ok, maybe I would be a little confused but ultimately I would be annoyed. I respect the religious views of others so long as my own religious views are respected.
It's one of the edicts of Christianity that God's name is not to be taken in vain and the fact of the matter is, Allah isn't a translation for God, it's the name of God!
I don't know that I would be pissed off, truth be told because having some guy from another religion professing admiration or adoration for your God would be a good thing. Unfortunately that's where the press comes in. Our country is in the beginning stages of some kind of political revolution. The youth of the country are becoming more involved in politics, it's beginning to look like everyone has an opinion about everything. We've gone from having the Asian mentality of keeping our heads down and getting our work done to speaking up and expressing ourselves. The downside is of course that the empty drims make the most noise. So of course the ones garnering attention in the media are the morons with abso-fucking-lutely nothing to say!
I swear if I get my hands on the jackass who wrote this article and started this mess, I'll give him a swift kick up his backside!
Just ME!

Friends

It was 2.00 o’clock in the afternoon on the 28th of August 2001. I sat in the front row of the classroom, waiting for the lecturer of my Constitutional Law class. Most of my classmates had assembled. A little later, the door opens and in walks this tall young man with, what to me, seemed like a girl on each arm. He was a young Chinese lad with a really thick silver bracelet on one arm, eye catching silver rings on the fingers of his right hand and sunglasses on. He didn’t remove the shades even though he was indoors and I was struck by how incredibly ‘dangerous’ he looked. Now had anyone asked me at that point whether I would be anything more than a classmate to this young man, I would have laughed. Truth be told, I was not planning on forming any lasting friendships. I was in a bad place in my life at that time. I was planning on completing my studies and being done with it. No attachments, no strings, get in and out without getting involved in any way. Eight years on, that young man is one of my closest friends. I just attended his wedding and he married another classmate in a beautiful ceremony that was followed by a splendid reception.
It has been a long and adventurous journey and I wouldn’t change it for anything. In fact, I even welcome the events that led up to that fateful meeting. I cannot regret the awful events that led to my presence in that classroom. If I were to regret the path I had chosen, it would mean regretting the friends I have made in that time. I could never regret the friends that I have made, not even inadvertently. Two friends have been polarizing influences in the last 8 years and both of them I met that day. The first was not the young man that caught my eye in class. The first was a sweet, young, innocent of a girl, who like me was nervous enough about being unable to find the classroom in time that she, like me, had shown up a full thirty minutes before class had begun. It is perhaps unusual that in a class of only 18 students I had found not one but two kindred spirits. I did not know it then but that meeting marked the beginning of a journey that is still ongoing today. A journey that I hope will last our lifetimes. Though we have each embarked on routes and pathways that vary and at times we meander through life with minimal contact, yet our hearts and spirits are always entwined.

God Grant Me Patience

This is an update about the planned trip to the US that my family was supposed to make. Unfortunately because they spent so much time ‘faffing’ about the details of the trip, it never happened. So it fell to me to plan a mini vacation for my mother and sister in lieu of the US trip.
The downside of that plan was of course the fact that I was still planning this mini vacation for the same fickle, hard to please, bunch of people. Needless to say, I faced the same problems. I finally settled taking them on little two day breaks to places like Lumut, Genting, and Port Dickson. Of course, I planned it around the myriad of things that my mother had to do. While she was willing to put aside these things for a trip to the States, obviously she wasn’t going to put it aside for these mini vacations.
Despite my careful planning, my entire schedule went to hell in a hand basket. Firstly my mother didn’t want to go to Lumut, she preferred to go to Genting Highlands instead. In accordance with her wishes, we decided that we would spend more time in the casino in Genting instead. However, in keeping with our bad luck, there was a landslide on the road to Genting. My mother then vetoed the trip up the Highland, which even I was understandably nervous about, considering I would be the one doing the driving. Anyway, the three location mini vacation became just a single overnight stay at Port Dickson, because I had vouchers for a 2 day 1 night stay at a place called Eagle Ranch Resort. The brochure looked very inviting and we were excited about it. However, it was only upon arrival that we discovered an isolated ranch style resort, miles away from the beach with nothing to recommend it but the groovy living quarters. I could go on about the horrible place but that’s another story altogether.
So my sister was on a month long break and we effectively did nothing at all. She was happy to do nothing and during that month, so was my mother. However, the moment the month ended, my mother began complaining about the lack of activity, which admittedly I completely expected. I knew going into this month of ‘relaxation’ that I would be damned if I do, damned if I don’t. True to my expectations that was exactly what happened.
Instead my mother, my sister and I spent the entire month shopping, visiting family and just generally lounging. I played chauffeur to them 24/7 for an entire month and then drove them up north when my sister’s holiday ended, spent a week there preparing for Deepavalli, and celebrated the Festival of Lights up north with my extended family. My only consolation for this hellish nightmare was the fact that I looked awesome. The weight loss is marvellous. I feel fantastic and I look almost normal, i.e. I don’t look like the Marshmallow Man, or woman.
So after babysitting my mother and sister for a month, driving them around and catering to their fickle whims, I am now stuck babysitting my father! Dear God, give me the patience to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Most of all, I beg you dear God, give me the strength to survive my family!
Just Me.

Alienation

I feel strangely disconnected. Strangely I say, though truth be told, it’s hardly strange that I feel alone in this surging tide pool of human interaction. It is impossible to feel alone if you’re alone. Loneliness only hits when you compare your own lack of company to the company those around you keep. When you’re by yourself it doesn’t bother you that all you have are your thoughts. Most often those thoughts are highly informative and deeply enlightening. When you’re by yourself in a crowd, only then is loneliness brought home to you. As I sit here by myself surrounded by the families and friends, I feel alone. I feel cut off. I am an island of solitude in a sea of grasping connectivity. I do not wish this loneliness, this melancholy, yet in the same breath I do not wish the company of others. I have yearned for independence and now it lays shining within my grasp but loneliness eats away at my resolve. Loneliness in a crowd. Only in a crowd can the fact of your loneliness be made plain to you. Only in the face of the abundance of kinship can your own lack be made abundantly clear. My loneliness has been made clear to me. I resent it, yet I welcome it.
Just Me.

Travel and Living

My family is going to visit my brother in the United States next month. I have been asked many times why I don't choose to go with them on these trips. Truth is, I miss my brother. I miss very much. He is the only brother I have and I haven't laid eyes on him in ten years. However, the thought of travelling to America to see him with my entire family is less than appealing.
Let me recap the tale of this year's trip thus far. Bear in mind, they plan to take this trip next month and my father should be joining them from wherever in the world he will be at that time. Also remember, that this trip has been talked about for about three months already. We've yet to book the tickets, in fact, until two weeks ago we did not know when in September they would leave. Admittedly, the uncertainty was unavoidable because my sister is in her third year of university and the college hadn't released the exam timetable until two weeks ago. My mother refuses to travel on her own, so they had to wait for my sister. It would cost more for my father to fly back to Malaysia and then fly with my mother. So I understand the delay in pinning down the date of travel.
But the "debating" that has been going on since then. I'm not even going on this blasted trip and I'm annoyed beyond belief. My mother made a fuss about the 5 hour stopover, she made a fuss about the port of entry, she made a fuss about whether she could trust the men in our family to show up at said port of entry when they said they would, she made a fuss about the cost of the flight tickets. My father, dithered about port of entry, whether he would be able to get time off to even go on this vacation, whether he could plan it in a way that would coincide with a business trip so he could claim the airfare, whether he needed to spend all that time with my brother, the cost of the tickets, the timing of the vacation, the port of entry (yes again), the timing of the vacation, whether he'd be able to make it, whether my brother would be able to make it, whether they should break the journey in San Francisco.
My brother in a fit of extreme organisation, went ahead and booked his tickets to Frisco the moment he had the dates. Oh my god! He's gone ahead and booked himself a seven day break in Frisco. Of course that doesn't sit well with my father because, it wasn't his plan. And my mother is fussing about the extremely long journey home that she will have to make.
My solution, spend 7 days in Frisco and come the fuck home! I feel for my brother, he hasn't seen my mom in 2 years but dude, if he would just get his act together and sort out his bloody PR, he wouldn't have this problem. He could just come HOME for a visit.
All this drama, for a simple fucking family vacation! I'm running my tail off trying to coordinate this and I'M NOT EVEN GOING!!!!
At this point the fact that I'm not going is a bloody good thing...because I would have bitten someone's head off by now.
Bloody Hell!
Just Me.