So my friends tell me that writing is like riding a bike. You never forget how. I had to point out that I CANNOT ride a bike. I never learned. So that analogy is completely lost on me. I have however, witnessed my mother who could ride a bike - has in fact been riding almost all her life because that was the only mode of transport easily available in her youth - end up on the ground with a bruised knee after a hiatus of about 30 years from bike riding.
So after what has been for me a hiatus of almost a decade, I am writing again. Not fiction, not for fun and not schedule free; I am back in the report writing on a deadline business. Like the week long panic attacks, bingeing and purging weren't enough, I've signed on for more of the same for the foreseeable future. Am I crazy? Probably. Can I do this? Definitely. I just have to make sure my fears do not get the better of me.
Just Me.
Sunday, June 02, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Confidence
I made a promise a month ago that I would spend at least 30 minutes a day writing in this blog. I think it's pretty obvious that hasn't happened.
However, I was required to draft a letter for work. Without going into specifics, I just couldn't do it. I had panic attacks and mental blocks. I spent the week stress eating and bingeing. I can't imagine where this fear has come from.
I have been writing all my life. Throughout high school and college, I was stereotyped as the writer. So why can't I put pen to paper now?
The mere thought of writing something for someone else to read is enough to give me palpitations. When did this happen? How did I get this phobia? I try to keep such a close watch on my neuroses and this one crept up on me. I got blindsided.
So what do I do now?
I guess I just have to power through it. I just don't know how.
Just Me.
However, I was required to draft a letter for work. Without going into specifics, I just couldn't do it. I had panic attacks and mental blocks. I spent the week stress eating and bingeing. I can't imagine where this fear has come from.
I have been writing all my life. Throughout high school and college, I was stereotyped as the writer. So why can't I put pen to paper now?
The mere thought of writing something for someone else to read is enough to give me palpitations. When did this happen? How did I get this phobia? I try to keep such a close watch on my neuroses and this one crept up on me. I got blindsided.
So what do I do now?
I guess I just have to power through it. I just don't know how.
Just Me.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Lighthouses.
The 13th General Elections. It was much anticipated. The ruling government served out the full term of office, in the fear that they may not get another. The Opposition campaigned, and got the people fired up. People cried out for change! The youth of the nation, got involved. Everyone believed that this was the time. This time it was going to be different. I think even the politicians began to believe their own propaganda. It was inevitable that the public believed it too.
With all the promises, lies and fiction floating around, the truth became lost, hidden from view and so distorted, it was beyond recognition. So when the elections came, the results came in and the whole country held their collective breaths. The Opposition lost, the ruling party is still ruling and disappointment abounds. As a nation, we have yet to release that held breath. For the politicians, it's disbelief. The Opposition can't believe they've lost anymore than the ruling party can believe they've won. For most of us though, it's just hope and fear. We are afraid that there will be retaliations, both political and physical. We are hopeful that there won't be. So until things settle and life goes on for sure, we won't be able to release that breath.
This is the reality of politics in this country. We have been crying for change and we believe that the change in the government would have given us what we craved. I don't think so. I believe that this is the best possible outcome because the Opposition would not have made a better government. The Opposition is made up of individuals that will join anyone who would hand them a bit of power. Look to the infighting over the Ministerial position in Selangor. Politicians are a breed all their own and no matter colours they wear, there are the same inside. Their beliefs are changeable, their principles waver and nothing is set in stone. They cannot be for how would they be able to hold to their principles in the light of changing public opinions? The public that puts them in power must reserve the right to tell them how to think! I think that those who cried out for change, are kidding themselves. There is no change, there only less of the same!
Just Me!
With all the promises, lies and fiction floating around, the truth became lost, hidden from view and so distorted, it was beyond recognition. So when the elections came, the results came in and the whole country held their collective breaths. The Opposition lost, the ruling party is still ruling and disappointment abounds. As a nation, we have yet to release that held breath. For the politicians, it's disbelief. The Opposition can't believe they've lost anymore than the ruling party can believe they've won. For most of us though, it's just hope and fear. We are afraid that there will be retaliations, both political and physical. We are hopeful that there won't be. So until things settle and life goes on for sure, we won't be able to release that breath.
This is the reality of politics in this country. We have been crying for change and we believe that the change in the government would have given us what we craved. I don't think so. I believe that this is the best possible outcome because the Opposition would not have made a better government. The Opposition is made up of individuals that will join anyone who would hand them a bit of power. Look to the infighting over the Ministerial position in Selangor. Politicians are a breed all their own and no matter colours they wear, there are the same inside. Their beliefs are changeable, their principles waver and nothing is set in stone. They cannot be for how would they be able to hold to their principles in the light of changing public opinions? The public that puts them in power must reserve the right to tell them how to think! I think that those who cried out for change, are kidding themselves. There is no change, there only less of the same!
Just Me!
Wednesday, May 01, 2013
The land of hopes and dreams!
I began this post almost a month ago to chronicle the family vacation to the land of hopes and dreams. I wrote pages and pages of prose, till it seemed like it would never end. I stopped and decided to get some perspective. Now it has been a more than month since we've returned and a journal entry about the trip is long overdue.
So, what has my period of reflection brought me? I have realised that the memories that burn the brightest in the moment, is not necessarily.
I am reminded of a quote from the movie "The Ghost and The Darkness" Michael Douglas says to Val Kilmer, "So many times, things happen and at the time you say, this will stick with me, surely, I will never forget this moment, sunset, kiss. And then...poof"
I find this quote rings all the more true. I actually understand this statement. More so now than when I first heard it. My memory has always been flawless but I find as I get older, I am more selective about what I remember.
I can only assume that my mind selects the best bits of my present to etch into my memory.
To that end, what do I really remember about the trip to California? I remember meeting my brother after 13 years. It was the best bit of the trip. I remember all the sights I wanted to see and didn't. I remember being around my family constantly.
I walked three beaches, saw about a mile and half of coastline at 40 miles an hour, walked into some hillside, visited the same premium outlet mall twice, walked the Vegas strip a little and visited Universal Studios and the San Diego Sea World. I went across the Golden Gate Bridge and walked Fisherman's Wharf. I found that my interests are completely different to that of my family - which I already knew. I received multiple compliments on the way I was dressed- which felt amazing! I have been dying to return the compliment wherever I go. (Paying it forward and all) I also discovered that my family have blinkers on like you wouldn't believe! We've been a family for 35 years and my parents have been married to each other for 40 years and have known each other their ENTIRE lives, yet, every little decision was debated and every little action was a constant surprise. In a family of 5, I am peacekeeper, my father cares for no opinion other than his own, my brother is exactly the same but has a smidgen of tact and respect, my mother and my sister share a brain (not in a good way) and have no idea how to express any dissent or opinion.
The other notable thing to happen to us, was that we were robbed on a residential street in San Jose. Of course, we left the car unlocked, but you expect a certain amount of safety. My other notable experience was the CSI experience. That was fun and I am good!
Just Me!
So, what has my period of reflection brought me? I have realised that the memories that burn the brightest in the moment, is not necessarily.
I am reminded of a quote from the movie "The Ghost and The Darkness" Michael Douglas says to Val Kilmer, "So many times, things happen and at the time you say, this will stick with me, surely, I will never forget this moment, sunset, kiss. And then...poof"
I find this quote rings all the more true. I actually understand this statement. More so now than when I first heard it. My memory has always been flawless but I find as I get older, I am more selective about what I remember.
I can only assume that my mind selects the best bits of my present to etch into my memory.
To that end, what do I really remember about the trip to California? I remember meeting my brother after 13 years. It was the best bit of the trip. I remember all the sights I wanted to see and didn't. I remember being around my family constantly.
I walked three beaches, saw about a mile and half of coastline at 40 miles an hour, walked into some hillside, visited the same premium outlet mall twice, walked the Vegas strip a little and visited Universal Studios and the San Diego Sea World. I went across the Golden Gate Bridge and walked Fisherman's Wharf. I found that my interests are completely different to that of my family - which I already knew. I received multiple compliments on the way I was dressed- which felt amazing! I have been dying to return the compliment wherever I go. (Paying it forward and all) I also discovered that my family have blinkers on like you wouldn't believe! We've been a family for 35 years and my parents have been married to each other for 40 years and have known each other their ENTIRE lives, yet, every little decision was debated and every little action was a constant surprise. In a family of 5, I am peacekeeper, my father cares for no opinion other than his own, my brother is exactly the same but has a smidgen of tact and respect, my mother and my sister share a brain (not in a good way) and have no idea how to express any dissent or opinion.
The other notable thing to happen to us, was that we were robbed on a residential street in San Jose. Of course, we left the car unlocked, but you expect a certain amount of safety. My other notable experience was the CSI experience. That was fun and I am good!
Just Me!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
And they wonder how things go missing
So here's the thing. I am in charge of every piece of paperwork for the whole entire family. I file bank statements, I keep track of golf club payments, I deposit dividend cheques and all the little bits in between. Doctor's appointments, driving miss daisy, credit card statements...etc, etc, etc.
When we renovated the house, I was the liaison between my mom, my dad and the damn foreperson who kept going over my head and dealing with my dad who was in another country. We have moved into our new home and half our stuff is still in the old apartment because the new house is only semi furnished. My father insists on keeping things minimalist, even though he has hung onto bank statements from 30 years ago! I kid you not. Three months ago, he went through this mountain of papers and hands over piles of statements to be disposed of. Of course, he is also paranoid enough to want me to first get a shredder to shred the statements. Yes, I haven't gotten around to it. So last week, he asks me, where are the old statements? I need to check something. You haven't gotten rid of them have you? OH DEAR GOD!
So now, living in a semi furnished house that doesn't have enough storage, having to go back and forth between the house and the apartment, I have lost the bank passbooks!
I have a nagging feeling that I gave it to my father the last time he was here and he's left them in Germany. So tell me, is this my fault?
It feels like it is. I feel like I should have been on top of it. I am known for my awesome memory and I can't bloody remember where these important documents have gone. My brother has been overseas for the longest time and his bank account has gone dormant. No one is bothered to revive it, or even get the money out. I have been hanging on to these things and now, in the move, they've gone bloody missing! What the fuck?
Just me!
When we renovated the house, I was the liaison between my mom, my dad and the damn foreperson who kept going over my head and dealing with my dad who was in another country. We have moved into our new home and half our stuff is still in the old apartment because the new house is only semi furnished. My father insists on keeping things minimalist, even though he has hung onto bank statements from 30 years ago! I kid you not. Three months ago, he went through this mountain of papers and hands over piles of statements to be disposed of. Of course, he is also paranoid enough to want me to first get a shredder to shred the statements. Yes, I haven't gotten around to it. So last week, he asks me, where are the old statements? I need to check something. You haven't gotten rid of them have you? OH DEAR GOD!
So now, living in a semi furnished house that doesn't have enough storage, having to go back and forth between the house and the apartment, I have lost the bank passbooks!
I have a nagging feeling that I gave it to my father the last time he was here and he's left them in Germany. So tell me, is this my fault?
It feels like it is. I feel like I should have been on top of it. I am known for my awesome memory and I can't bloody remember where these important documents have gone. My brother has been overseas for the longest time and his bank account has gone dormant. No one is bothered to revive it, or even get the money out. I have been hanging on to these things and now, in the move, they've gone bloody missing! What the fuck?
Just me!
Friday, February 22, 2013
Body image
Years of being the fat kid has left me with body issues a mile deep. It took dieting, exercise and finally an operation to get my weight down into the overweight category. Yes, after all of that, I have not managed to get my weight into the right weight for my height.
So at this point, I am frustrated. I have been struggling to reach my goal weight for some time now and I have not managed to hit it yet. I am determined to reach this goal this year. I don't care what it takes and how much of effort it will require from me. I am obsessed and I don't care who knows it. If I have to starve myself and work myself to the bone, then so be it.
I will attain my goal weight! I will do it this year and I will look fantastic doing it!
Just Me!
So at this point, I am frustrated. I have been struggling to reach my goal weight for some time now and I have not managed to hit it yet. I am determined to reach this goal this year. I don't care what it takes and how much of effort it will require from me. I am obsessed and I don't care who knows it. If I have to starve myself and work myself to the bone, then so be it.
I will attain my goal weight! I will do it this year and I will look fantastic doing it!
Just Me!
Thursday, February 14, 2013
How are they making money again?
I placed a reservation over the phone on the 9/2/13 for 4 to LAX return. I was given until 4pm on the 12/2/13 to make full payment. I called at 3pm to enquire if I would be able to make a change to the date of travel as I wanted to change the return date. I was told that it wouldn't be a problem and would cost nothing because payment had yet to be made. So I rushed to the nearest ticketing counter eager to purchase my tickets. When I arrived at the counter at 3.40pm, I was told that system was down! It was a nationwide system crash. I was understandably upset and on the suggestion of the counter staff, I called the Call Centre to make sure that I would not lose my booking price. The call centre staff were also unable to accept payment because their system was also down. However, the staff member I spoke to; a Mr. Hasly, extended my deadline to 2pm on the 15/2/13. He assured me that I would not lose the booking price. I called the Call Centre the very next day and I was told that since the promotion period was over, a senior sales staff would call me back. So I waited and waited and waited for the call and received no call. I called the centre again on the morning of the 14th and I
was given the same run around again! I must admit I lost my temper a little bit. So finally I got through to a call centre staff called Anisah, who proved to be quite helpful. However, despite bearing the brunt of my annoyance, she was in no position to help as the staff member who could actually accept the payment was not at work yet. I get a call back from a Yasmin and she tells me that despite what I had been expressly told, I would in fact have to pay extra to change the date on my return flight. So here I am, stuck with possibly paying RM400 more per ticket for something that was not even my fault!
I cannot understand how MAS makes any money. My father spoke to Yasmin when she called back for the payment and she tells us flat out that there are multitude seats available on the return we want and yet they will not let us buy those tickets for the price we were promised. Of course we were given the old tried and tested line of how the employee made a promise they weren't even authorised to make.
Well as it turns out, it might a blessing in disguise because while all this was going on, I found that flying via Cathay Pacific into San Francisco would be cheaper! Take that Malaysia Airlines! Best Cabin Crew be damned, none of that even matters a damn if the company can't get butts in the damn seats!
Just Me!
was given the same run around again! I must admit I lost my temper a little bit. So finally I got through to a call centre staff called Anisah, who proved to be quite helpful. However, despite bearing the brunt of my annoyance, she was in no position to help as the staff member who could actually accept the payment was not at work yet. I get a call back from a Yasmin and she tells me that despite what I had been expressly told, I would in fact have to pay extra to change the date on my return flight. So here I am, stuck with possibly paying RM400 more per ticket for something that was not even my fault!
I cannot understand how MAS makes any money. My father spoke to Yasmin when she called back for the payment and she tells us flat out that there are multitude seats available on the return we want and yet they will not let us buy those tickets for the price we were promised. Of course we were given the old tried and tested line of how the employee made a promise they weren't even authorised to make.
Well as it turns out, it might a blessing in disguise because while all this was going on, I found that flying via Cathay Pacific into San Francisco would be cheaper! Take that Malaysia Airlines! Best Cabin Crew be damned, none of that even matters a damn if the company can't get butts in the damn seats!
Just Me!
Saturday, February 09, 2013
The Journey of the US Visa
After years of trepidation about getting rejected for a US Visa, I spent exactly 512 ringgit, 5 hours waiting (in my car, at the embassy, in the traffic jam) and a total of 5 minutes face time, I am now the proud owner of a US Visa. I will have to pick it up on Wednesday. Really the whole thing is a bloody farce! I was sitting there and watching the goings on in the waiting room when an entire family trooped in (and I really mean trooped...there was like 10 or 12 of them!). I watched as the father patiently explained to lady behind the counter that this was the second time they were applying because they'd already been rejected once. Then I found myself chatting to a nice old gentleman about the fact that it's his third application. I can't imagine anything in America worth safeguarding so ferociously nor can I understand the desperation of these people to want to go there. Forbidden fruit I suppose. I mean the mad I was chatting with had like a bushel of supporting documents. I had nothing! I refused to take anything with me. My mother says I was very lucky. Considering I didn't even want to go on this blasted family holiday in the first damn place, I am not so sure!
This is my life!
Just Me!
This is my life!
Just Me!
Tuesday, February 05, 2013
My life so far
So my first post of 2013. It's been all of two months into the new year and I feel like I am drowning. That's just a freaking awesome feeling.
I suppose it's also simply me being a little melodramatic. I mean I am looking at possibly getting a holiday to America in the next month. Pretty sweet right? NOT!
I don't want to go to America! I know, I know, for many people it's the promised land where dreams come true and all that. It just doesn't do it for me. To be honest, I don't know if that is because I genuinely do not want to go or just a case of sour grapes because I know the Americans won't give me a goddamn visa!
I think it's a little bit of both. A lot more of the latter, although I dread going on holiday with my family. I mean I can't get away from them on a good day! Being stuck with my family in a foreign country where I cannot run away or go off to work, or get in my car and drive is as close to a waking nightmare as it can get.
I have a neurotic,fickle minded mother, who is never happy. An old-fashioned, pedantic father, who never listens to anything anyone says. A sister who is a petulant 5 year old stuck in the body of a 25 year old and brother whom I haven't seen in 13 years! I am the oldest and the screw up. Oh joy!
My first order of business in the new year...apply for a US tourist visa. In other words, I have to now waste about 160 bucks on an application for a visa that will most likely be turned down to go visit a country I am not even sure I want to go to!
Really, this is my life! I kid you not!
Just me.
I suppose it's also simply me being a little melodramatic. I mean I am looking at possibly getting a holiday to America in the next month. Pretty sweet right? NOT!
I don't want to go to America! I know, I know, for many people it's the promised land where dreams come true and all that. It just doesn't do it for me. To be honest, I don't know if that is because I genuinely do not want to go or just a case of sour grapes because I know the Americans won't give me a goddamn visa!
I think it's a little bit of both. A lot more of the latter, although I dread going on holiday with my family. I mean I can't get away from them on a good day! Being stuck with my family in a foreign country where I cannot run away or go off to work, or get in my car and drive is as close to a waking nightmare as it can get.
I have a neurotic,fickle minded mother, who is never happy. An old-fashioned, pedantic father, who never listens to anything anyone says. A sister who is a petulant 5 year old stuck in the body of a 25 year old and brother whom I haven't seen in 13 years! I am the oldest and the screw up. Oh joy!
My first order of business in the new year...apply for a US tourist visa. In other words, I have to now waste about 160 bucks on an application for a visa that will most likely be turned down to go visit a country I am not even sure I want to go to!
Really, this is my life! I kid you not!
Just me.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Harsh Truths
I am in a quandary. I had the opportunity to be a part of something big about a year ago. I recognised the opportunity for what it was and decided to get in at the ground floor despite my misgivings. I had some considerable misgivings because of the situation that it entailed. I generally do not like to work with my friends. I realise that colleagues eventually become your friends but I would rather work with strangers and build to that level rather than vice versa. Having said all of that, the problem really wasn't the working relationship at all. The problem is my professional ethics. I have none. I would like to believe that I do but the truth is I am simply lazy. I lack focus and I get distracted by shiny objects far too easily. I let my fear rule me and I simply shut down. I have this amazing ability to fool myself. I distract myself with fiction and fantasy and food (although that is no longer an option).
They say admitting that you have a problem is the first step to getting over your problem. That's true but no one ever talks about how bloody fucking difficult it is to take that second step. I've been on the first step for 20 years! I have this absolutely clear idea of my problems from all possible angles and I am terrified of taking that second step and getting over myself. I've sabotaged every chance I've been give, barricaded the door against opportunity, looked every gift horse in the mouth and then kicked it in the teeth!
So now here I am, being given an opportunity by a friend who is too loyal to quit on me. It makes me resent her a little. I don't want her fighting my battles for me. How's this for denial? I know that she makes it a point to adopt strays and lost causes. If you're a well rounded individual you're of no value to her. I knew this. I saw this and yet I deluded myself into thinking that I was the exception to that rule. The truth is, I AM THE FREAKING RULE! So she won't give up on me. She can't carry me because she has others to answer to but she won't give up. So here I am in the unique position to have to be the one to quit. And I can't go it. I will shoot myself in the foot a million times, but I can't point the trigger at my head and put me out of my misery. *Headdesk*
Just Me.
They say admitting that you have a problem is the first step to getting over your problem. That's true but no one ever talks about how bloody fucking difficult it is to take that second step. I've been on the first step for 20 years! I have this absolutely clear idea of my problems from all possible angles and I am terrified of taking that second step and getting over myself. I've sabotaged every chance I've been give, barricaded the door against opportunity, looked every gift horse in the mouth and then kicked it in the teeth!
So now here I am, being given an opportunity by a friend who is too loyal to quit on me. It makes me resent her a little. I don't want her fighting my battles for me. How's this for denial? I know that she makes it a point to adopt strays and lost causes. If you're a well rounded individual you're of no value to her. I knew this. I saw this and yet I deluded myself into thinking that I was the exception to that rule. The truth is, I AM THE FREAKING RULE! So she won't give up on me. She can't carry me because she has others to answer to but she won't give up. So here I am in the unique position to have to be the one to quit. And I can't go it. I will shoot myself in the foot a million times, but I can't point the trigger at my head and put me out of my misery. *Headdesk*
Just Me.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Opportunity
It is said that 'Opportunity only knocks once.' In my life opportunity has knocked many, many times. I have rarely had the courage to open the door. I am honest enough to admit that now but it is a truth that I have never fully realised until recently. I consider myself lucky because unlike the saying, opportunity has continued to knock on my door. I hope that one day soon I will have the strength and courage to open the door and seize it with both hands.
Just Me.
Just Me.
Sunday, August 07, 2011
Deal with it.
How would you react, if someone close to you asked you for a favour? How would you react if that favour was something you were not comfortable with or even felt safe doing? Would you turn it down? Would you agree to do it despite your misgivings?
I agreed. I was insincere in my agreement and my misgivings were intense. After an entire night of agonising over this favour, I awoke to find that the deed was no longer required. I am not one to wallow in guilt or regret. Guilt and regret are the two most pointless emotions. Guilt and regret stagnate you when you should be moving forward.
It isn't so much regret that I feel but insecurity. I did not want to do this. I did not feel comfortable doing this. When someone wants a favour off you, they overlook every objection and every misgiving. What most people forget is the viewpoint of the person carrying out the favour. It is a favour. By definition it is a willing act of aid from one person to or for another. If there is unwillingness in the act, it is no longer a favour, it is an obligation. When you are obligated to do something, you put your misgivings aside and you carry out your duty to the best of your abilitie, uncomfortable or not. That is not the case with a favour.
I refuse to wallow in the buts and what ifs and maybes. I did not feel comfortable doing you this favour. I was not in the position to do you this favour. I agreed, against my better judgment and despite this, you walked away and refused my offer - without even doing me the courtesy of telling me first. I have nothing to be sorry about. I refuse to be guilty about it. I regret nothing. Deal with it.
Just Me.
I agreed. I was insincere in my agreement and my misgivings were intense. After an entire night of agonising over this favour, I awoke to find that the deed was no longer required. I am not one to wallow in guilt or regret. Guilt and regret are the two most pointless emotions. Guilt and regret stagnate you when you should be moving forward.
It isn't so much regret that I feel but insecurity. I did not want to do this. I did not feel comfortable doing this. When someone wants a favour off you, they overlook every objection and every misgiving. What most people forget is the viewpoint of the person carrying out the favour. It is a favour. By definition it is a willing act of aid from one person to or for another. If there is unwillingness in the act, it is no longer a favour, it is an obligation. When you are obligated to do something, you put your misgivings aside and you carry out your duty to the best of your abilitie, uncomfortable or not. That is not the case with a favour.
I refuse to wallow in the buts and what ifs and maybes. I did not feel comfortable doing you this favour. I was not in the position to do you this favour. I agreed, against my better judgment and despite this, you walked away and refused my offer - without even doing me the courtesy of telling me first. I have nothing to be sorry about. I refuse to be guilty about it. I regret nothing. Deal with it.
Just Me.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
TTT
I have just attended a Train the Trainer programme. It is something I consider a starting off point for a career in training. I am unsure whether that has been the case. I find myself strangely dissatisfied. I am thrilled because I am by far one of the best presenters in the class and it has been a great boost to my confidence level. I know that I am one of those people that need outside validation. I need to be told that I am good. I know instinctively that I can do this and that in fact I am good at it. Still, I crave validation. Outside validation was the reason I attended this programme. I find this happens wherever I go. I am always a head and shoulders above everyone else, yet I am far outstripped by them in achievements. Is this because of my arrogance in assuming that I am good? Or am I being lead down the garden path by those around me? I can't handle constructive criticism and I distrust any positve feedback. I have always known that I am a mass of contradictions but this is becoming too many contradictions even for my split psyche. So here I am in a a training session designed to imrpove my ability to train others. I am receiving the outside validation that I crave, yet I distrust it because it feels too good to be true. Honestly being a head and shoulders ahead of the others in this group is nothing because they quite frankly suck. So the question still remains, "am I truly good or am I just relatively good?" Just Me.
Monday, February 07, 2011
Just Me...Now
I need to blog. I keep promising myself to blog regularly and just as regularly, I fail. I only managed 7 posts last year and I haven't managed a post yet this year. I started this blog in the hopes that I would organise my thoughts, improve my writing and safely vent my emotions. However, I have utterly failed to achieve that. In fact I have failed to even venture into the mere vicinity of achieving that.
My thoughts flit through my minds so quickly. I feel passionately about many, many things but rarely ever passionately enough to hold onto the feeling for more than the 60 or so seconds it takes for the thought to slice through my mind. I am seeig a rather disturbing trend here. I make plans I don't keep, I make promises I don't keep, I can't hold onto my fire beyond the immediate. It is exceedingly obvious that I do not follow through. I lack perseverance. I have enough self-awareness to know this about myself but thus far, this self-awareness has not resulted in any kind of change. The only thing that my self-awareness has brought is a sort of intense dislike of myself.
This is one aspect of myself that I have managed to overcome to a slight extent. I no longer avoid looking in the mirror. I no longer sit around thinking of how much I would like to wipe my existence from the planet; to turn back time and never be born; to go to sleep and never wake up. It is painful to remember how intensely I disliked myself. I went on self-destructive rampage and nearly took out my family along with me. I tried to tell myself that I was only hurting myself, but that was never the truth. I have maded progress, I no longer want to die. I no longer think I am a horrible person. It is an ongoing struggle and I do not brush off criticism as easily as I appear to. In fact, I absorb comments as criticisms that were never even meant to be taken seriously. I feel judged all the time. It is a hangover from the time when I used to judge myself and always found myself falling short.
I have accepted the fact that this may be a struggle that will be with me forever. I don't want it to be; however, I may not have a choice in the matter. I hope I do.
Just Me.
My thoughts flit through my minds so quickly. I feel passionately about many, many things but rarely ever passionately enough to hold onto the feeling for more than the 60 or so seconds it takes for the thought to slice through my mind. I am seeig a rather disturbing trend here. I make plans I don't keep, I make promises I don't keep, I can't hold onto my fire beyond the immediate. It is exceedingly obvious that I do not follow through. I lack perseverance. I have enough self-awareness to know this about myself but thus far, this self-awareness has not resulted in any kind of change. The only thing that my self-awareness has brought is a sort of intense dislike of myself.
This is one aspect of myself that I have managed to overcome to a slight extent. I no longer avoid looking in the mirror. I no longer sit around thinking of how much I would like to wipe my existence from the planet; to turn back time and never be born; to go to sleep and never wake up. It is painful to remember how intensely I disliked myself. I went on self-destructive rampage and nearly took out my family along with me. I tried to tell myself that I was only hurting myself, but that was never the truth. I have maded progress, I no longer want to die. I no longer think I am a horrible person. It is an ongoing struggle and I do not brush off criticism as easily as I appear to. In fact, I absorb comments as criticisms that were never even meant to be taken seriously. I feel judged all the time. It is a hangover from the time when I used to judge myself and always found myself falling short.
I have accepted the fact that this may be a struggle that will be with me forever. I don't want it to be; however, I may not have a choice in the matter. I hope I do.
Just Me.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Hard-wired
As human beings, we display a curious dichotomy about wanting to belong and wanting to stand out. We would like to believe that we are autonomous beings with individual tastes, unique likes and dislikes. Yet, we shy away from truly outlandish tastes. Whilst we crave to make our stand as individuals, we would not want to be singled out as different. This is best exemplified by the rebellious youth. Almost all teenagers, rebel in the same way. Punk, Goth, skaters, cheerios, geeks, whatever they call themselves, even the loners have cliques where the fit in and belong. The truth is simple and complicated. It lies in our genetic make-up and the lesson of millions of years of evolution is that there is safety in numbers. So we flock, just as bird do, gather in schools just as fish do, run in herds like buffalo and just like wolves, we hunt in packs. Our intelligence tells us that there is no harm in being alone. Yet there is still that yearning to belong, that need for acceptance and approval, that fear of isolation and abandoment. The survival instinct buried in our DNA is mostly responsible for this response. Francis Bacon said, "I think, therefore I am." He is right, but only in part. Our thought process are controlled largely by our senses. Our senses can be fooled. In fact, everyday, in many different ways, our senses are deceived and entranced sometimes to our detriment, sometimes for the benefit of others.I just watched a documentary on the psychology of consumer buying. The oddest things influence our simplest decisions. Succesful manufacturers actually pay attention to seemingly irrelevant and absolutely far-fetched aspects. Like the vacumn cleaner manufacturer that has hired an expert to fine tune the sound a vacumn cleaner makes or the hotelier that has an expert who spent weeks designing a unique scent for their chain of hotels. It seems crazy and utterly pointles, but it only takes a minute of reflection to realise that it isn't so random. The truth, we are led by our senses and our thought processes are very instinctive. Sensory triggers are powerful and unavoidable. My parents have spent years talking about the unforgettable taste of home-cooking or the unbeatable taste of street food that they haven't been able to re-discover. For me personally, the smell of my mother's pasta sauce has always been a source of comfort and there is nothing that stimulates my appetite more thoroughly than a mere whiff of vanilla. Once you objectively analyse your decision making process, many will find that it is a mere rationalisation of our instintive response. Obi Wan Kenobi was right when he said that 'many of the truths we cling to depend largely on our point of view.' Our minds are powerful and largely unexplored, and therefore remains unexplained. It is a little disconcerting to realise that my thoughts can be manipulated in such subtle ways. I would like to believe that I make my own decisions; that no one and nothing could influence my decision making process. The truth is rather less favourable. While being aware that such manipulations exist may make me less suceptible, I think the process of 'push button A, get response B' is hard-wired enough into my psyche that you will get response B eventhough I know you're pushing button A. How goes it with you? Just Me.
Friday, July 02, 2010
Buried Life
Saw the tail end of an episode of Oprah featuring the MTV series called The Buried Life. It's about 4 guys who go around America and do things on their bucket list and help others do the same. It got me thinking. What would be on my bucket list? I am quite embarassed to say that I don't actually have a bucket list.
There isn't a list of things that I would like to do before I die. I can't imagine why that is. The truth is, I suppose there are a whole host of things that I would do given half the chance, but there isn't anything that I absolutely want to. I reviewed my earlier posts and apparently I wrote a little bit of a mini bucket list a couple of years back. The first thing on that list was to lose weight! Oh my god!
Losing weight is something that dominated my every waking thought for as far back as I can remember. I've done. It took me 32 years and an operation but I have finally done it. I'm doing it. I am not down to the weight I want to be exactly but I'm getting there. Being as that was number one on my list for so long, I can't think of what else I want to do.
Best give this some thought then.
Just Me.
There isn't a list of things that I would like to do before I die. I can't imagine why that is. The truth is, I suppose there are a whole host of things that I would do given half the chance, but there isn't anything that I absolutely want to. I reviewed my earlier posts and apparently I wrote a little bit of a mini bucket list a couple of years back. The first thing on that list was to lose weight! Oh my god!
Losing weight is something that dominated my every waking thought for as far back as I can remember. I've done. It took me 32 years and an operation but I have finally done it. I'm doing it. I am not down to the weight I want to be exactly but I'm getting there. Being as that was number one on my list for so long, I can't think of what else I want to do.
Best give this some thought then.
Just Me.
Friday, May 07, 2010
Temptation keeps knocking
I'm watching a show about people who are trying to quit smoking. As I sit here watching their withdrawal symptoms and everything they are going through, I'm amazed at the sheer drama invloved. I do not want to belittle their experiences or anything. I know first hand how difficult it is to give up an addiction.
I have been smoke free for about three years now. The surprising thing about it, was that I quit cold turkey and other than a cold that didn't go away for about three months after, I didn't have any problems. I didn't have withdrawal symptoms or mood swings or any of the other drama that these people are going through.
Watching the show though, I feel like lighting up. Ironically for me, I gave up an addiction easier than I gave up drinking. I gave up alcohol about two years ago. I was not an alcoholic or a binge drinker or even a regular drinker at that point. I gave up alcohol for spiritual reasons. I honestly have had more relapses with alcohol than with cigarettes. I find this somewhat amusing, because when I decided that I was going to give up alcohol, I hadn't even had a drink in over 7 or 8 months; whereas I was a 30 sticks a day smoker when I quit. So why was it so easy for me? My cousins and ex-smoking buddies are absolutely flabbergasted that I gave up so easily and that I have stayed smoke free for so long. I don't even feel the urge. I used to reach for a cigarrette whenever I felt bored. I used to smoke just to give my hands something to do. I won't pretend that I don't get bored sometimes, but I decided that cigarettes will no longer be a boredom reliever and so I simply don't even think about it.
With alcohol, it was never an addiction. It wasn't even a regular thing. The problem with alcohol is that it's a social nicety that I miss. It doesn't help that I am surrounded by people who don't understand why I've quit drinking.
There was no point to this entry but I just felt that I had to get it out there.
Just Me.
I have been smoke free for about three years now. The surprising thing about it, was that I quit cold turkey and other than a cold that didn't go away for about three months after, I didn't have any problems. I didn't have withdrawal symptoms or mood swings or any of the other drama that these people are going through.
Watching the show though, I feel like lighting up. Ironically for me, I gave up an addiction easier than I gave up drinking. I gave up alcohol about two years ago. I was not an alcoholic or a binge drinker or even a regular drinker at that point. I gave up alcohol for spiritual reasons. I honestly have had more relapses with alcohol than with cigarettes. I find this somewhat amusing, because when I decided that I was going to give up alcohol, I hadn't even had a drink in over 7 or 8 months; whereas I was a 30 sticks a day smoker when I quit. So why was it so easy for me? My cousins and ex-smoking buddies are absolutely flabbergasted that I gave up so easily and that I have stayed smoke free for so long. I don't even feel the urge. I used to reach for a cigarrette whenever I felt bored. I used to smoke just to give my hands something to do. I won't pretend that I don't get bored sometimes, but I decided that cigarettes will no longer be a boredom reliever and so I simply don't even think about it.
With alcohol, it was never an addiction. It wasn't even a regular thing. The problem with alcohol is that it's a social nicety that I miss. It doesn't help that I am surrounded by people who don't understand why I've quit drinking.
There was no point to this entry but I just felt that I had to get it out there.
Just Me.
Monday, May 03, 2010
Bad Luck...
Comes in threes? Never has a saying filled me with more dread than this one. See this month alone, I've had two brushes with bad luck. Firstly, I' had my handbag snatched off me as I exited from the bank. This guy ran up and literally cut the handbag off my shoulder and ran off into the night. I lost my wallet which held my credit cards, my ATM card, my membership cards, my little diary, my pill box, my compact mirrors, my anti-plastic recyclable bag, my money, my mother's cheque book request form, a bunch of cheques, my mobile phone and here's the kicker, my month old, barely used, birthday gift; digital camera! I'm still weeping inside about that. I barely recovered from that. I am firm believer in the Law of Attraction and being mugged was something I was absolutely certain would never happen to me. It happened and my belief system is now shaken.
When I told my mother, I was given the lecture about 'asking for it'. That's something else I don't believe in. Bad things happen and I don't believe in blaming the victim. No one walks around with a neon sign saying rob me, hurt me, hit me, rape me...whatever. That's not how it works. It's the law of the jungle. So I was upset that Iw as robbed and then I was annoyed that I was being blamed. It's only natural I suppose it doesn't make it easier. When something happens, it's human nature to want to blame something or someone. It was the reason religion got started in the first place. So in a case like this, the only person left to blame is the victim.
Things had just started to settle a little after the mugging and I had driven up to Penang with my father and then was driving down with my mother when it happened. We were just out of the tunnel after the Kuala Kangsar bridge, on a winding downhill road when we had come up to a traffic jam. I've traveled this road a thousand times and I've never seen the traffic stopped like that. I pulled into the left lane of this two lane highway and put the car into park and waited for them to let us on our way. All I remember is seeing this big blue and yellow delivery truck coming up behind me and for a heartbeat it didn't make any sense, all the cars were stopped and here was this truck moving. Then I finally realised what I was seeing, this truck was coming between the two lanes! I threw my arm across my mother in the seat next to me, slid down into my seat because my seat belt doesn't work, put my foot on the brake and braced my arm against the steering wheel. (And yes, I realise now that bracing my arm against the wheel like that was an incredibly stupid thing to do. A hard impact would break my arm. So for future reference DON'T DO THAT!!!!!) Anyway, back to the story. I feel an impact because the Toyota Unser behind me smacked into me. For two heartbeats I thought that would be it, but I was wrong because the car jolted forward and smacked into the Toyota Hilux in front of me. The runaway delevery truck had bounced off the Unser behind me and scraped along the Hilux in front tearing off a side view mirror and coming to a stop wedged between the Hilux and the little lorry in the right lane. Now I drive a dinky little Proton Wira Aeroback Sports Edition and both the Toyotas are big solid things. The impact on the front was especially bad because the Hilux is a huge four wheel drive with a high rear end. My bonnet folded up like an accordion and the inside of my car got pushed a good five inches from the front bumper. Stepping out of the car, I could the hiss of gas escaping. There was tow truck in the line of cars behind us who thankfully stopped, helped, got us out of harms way and towed us to the nearest police station and workshop and so on. Bottom line, I'm out of a car for about a month.
One of the first things my mother said to a relative that called us right after the accident was that it's 'my daughter's bad time'. Way to play blame game mom. After these two, I'm wondering what's in store for me. I am trying hard not to think about the dreaded third time but it's there at the back of my mind.
I am determined to look at this positively. I did not lose anything that could not be replaced. Yes, it will cost some money and possibly a lot of time but I'm safe and my mother is unhurt so thi was a good thing. There's also a saying that the third time's the charm...so maybe the third time will be a blessing or a spot of fabulous good luck. Here's to the third time!
Just Me.
When I told my mother, I was given the lecture about 'asking for it'. That's something else I don't believe in. Bad things happen and I don't believe in blaming the victim. No one walks around with a neon sign saying rob me, hurt me, hit me, rape me...whatever. That's not how it works. It's the law of the jungle. So I was upset that Iw as robbed and then I was annoyed that I was being blamed. It's only natural I suppose it doesn't make it easier. When something happens, it's human nature to want to blame something or someone. It was the reason religion got started in the first place. So in a case like this, the only person left to blame is the victim.
Things had just started to settle a little after the mugging and I had driven up to Penang with my father and then was driving down with my mother when it happened. We were just out of the tunnel after the Kuala Kangsar bridge, on a winding downhill road when we had come up to a traffic jam. I've traveled this road a thousand times and I've never seen the traffic stopped like that. I pulled into the left lane of this two lane highway and put the car into park and waited for them to let us on our way. All I remember is seeing this big blue and yellow delivery truck coming up behind me and for a heartbeat it didn't make any sense, all the cars were stopped and here was this truck moving. Then I finally realised what I was seeing, this truck was coming between the two lanes! I threw my arm across my mother in the seat next to me, slid down into my seat because my seat belt doesn't work, put my foot on the brake and braced my arm against the steering wheel. (And yes, I realise now that bracing my arm against the wheel like that was an incredibly stupid thing to do. A hard impact would break my arm. So for future reference DON'T DO THAT!!!!!) Anyway, back to the story. I feel an impact because the Toyota Unser behind me smacked into me. For two heartbeats I thought that would be it, but I was wrong because the car jolted forward and smacked into the Toyota Hilux in front of me. The runaway delevery truck had bounced off the Unser behind me and scraped along the Hilux in front tearing off a side view mirror and coming to a stop wedged between the Hilux and the little lorry in the right lane. Now I drive a dinky little Proton Wira Aeroback Sports Edition and both the Toyotas are big solid things. The impact on the front was especially bad because the Hilux is a huge four wheel drive with a high rear end. My bonnet folded up like an accordion and the inside of my car got pushed a good five inches from the front bumper. Stepping out of the car, I could the hiss of gas escaping. There was tow truck in the line of cars behind us who thankfully stopped, helped, got us out of harms way and towed us to the nearest police station and workshop and so on. Bottom line, I'm out of a car for about a month.
One of the first things my mother said to a relative that called us right after the accident was that it's 'my daughter's bad time'. Way to play blame game mom. After these two, I'm wondering what's in store for me. I am trying hard not to think about the dreaded third time but it's there at the back of my mind.
I am determined to look at this positively. I did not lose anything that could not be replaced. Yes, it will cost some money and possibly a lot of time but I'm safe and my mother is unhurt so thi was a good thing. There's also a saying that the third time's the charm...so maybe the third time will be a blessing or a spot of fabulous good luck. Here's to the third time!
Just Me.
Friday, April 09, 2010
Mugged
I went to the bank that was right around the corner from my home. It was late but I'd done this a thousand times before with no incident. This time I was not so lucky. I was getting into my car when I heard a shout. I made the mistake of turning and I already had one foot in the car. He ran at me and grabbed my handbag. I held on to it but thenI saw the knife. As much as I wanted to hold onto the bag I did not want to risk it. He grabbed the bag and cut the strap and he was gone. Running off into the night. It was 2 minutes from start to finish. I lost my wallet containing my credit cards, my atm card, my identification card, my driving license, my mobile phone, my brand new digital camera plus a bunch of cheques. It was one hell of a night. I can't get the face of the fat son of a bitch out of my head and I desperately want to put this behind me. Being as firm a believer in the law of attraction as I am, I do not understand how this happened in the first place and I do not want this miasma of negative energy attracting more 'bad luck' my way.
Ironically, had I been the person I was a year ago, I would have fought back harder. I had nothing to lose back then and no knife would have deterred me. The last year has been a turning point and I didn't want to risk being injured but really more importantly being disfigured.
I am upset. I have searched my feelings and I think I am most upset because of the way I reacted or didn't in this case. I have always prided myself on my street smarts, I have always prided myself on my spacial awareness. I have always believed that I would react better in this situation and I would handle myself better and that no pathetic knife wielding punk of a man would ever get the better of me. I behaved in the exact opposite manner. I screamed, I hung on to my bag ineffectually and I got mugged. I could have kicked him away, I could have shut the door on him, I shouldn't have turned when he yelled, a million things I could have done and yet nothing changes the fact that I behaved appallingly. I was the epitome of damsel in distress. It is a stereotype that I hate and I hate that I embodied it today. Once I'd cancelled my cards and my phone and my atm card, I am ashamed to say that I was actually in tears. So now I'm ashamed. It's another dirty little secret to add to my laundry list of dirty secrets. If I ever see the little fucker again I will fucking cut his balls off! I want my camera back goddamnit, it was brand new!
Fuck what a night!
Eshwari
Ironically, had I been the person I was a year ago, I would have fought back harder. I had nothing to lose back then and no knife would have deterred me. The last year has been a turning point and I didn't want to risk being injured but really more importantly being disfigured.
I am upset. I have searched my feelings and I think I am most upset because of the way I reacted or didn't in this case. I have always prided myself on my street smarts, I have always prided myself on my spacial awareness. I have always believed that I would react better in this situation and I would handle myself better and that no pathetic knife wielding punk of a man would ever get the better of me. I behaved in the exact opposite manner. I screamed, I hung on to my bag ineffectually and I got mugged. I could have kicked him away, I could have shut the door on him, I shouldn't have turned when he yelled, a million things I could have done and yet nothing changes the fact that I behaved appallingly. I was the epitome of damsel in distress. It is a stereotype that I hate and I hate that I embodied it today. Once I'd cancelled my cards and my phone and my atm card, I am ashamed to say that I was actually in tears. So now I'm ashamed. It's another dirty little secret to add to my laundry list of dirty secrets. If I ever see the little fucker again I will fucking cut his balls off! I want my camera back goddamnit, it was brand new!
Fuck what a night!
Eshwari
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Birthdays
My birthday came and went almost a week ago now and I am still feeling the effects of it. I do not know when exactly the melancholy kicked in. Was it when I woke up and felt alone? Was it when I went about my day alone, whiling away my time before the birthday dinner? Was it the day itself when I thought about how life has passed me by? I'm a year older and what have I to show for myself? Was it when my aunt called to wish me a happy birthday and then choked on her tongue when she realised my age?
Truth be told, I am not too unhappy with the way things are. Maybe that is the problem. I am content. Although complacent would be a better word for it. I am not where I want to be but I don't know where I want to be. I am constantly hoping that the right thing will come along and but despite my talent and skill (which are more than adequate) I have find myself in this stagnant pool where I've lost my motivation, I'm constantly looking to escape my responsibilities and more often than not, find it in frivolous things.
The truth is, there is no better cure for lethargy than hard work. The problem is inertia. A body in motion wants to stay in motion and a body that is not in motion wants to stay still. Enough with the procrastination, I have decided that I will buck. I know age is but a number on a card somewhere, I know I have skill and talent and intelligence to spare. I have decided that until I find my passion, I will work at whatever comes my way.
Hopefully I will find my passion before work bloody well kills my soul.
Just me.
Truth be told, I am not too unhappy with the way things are. Maybe that is the problem. I am content. Although complacent would be a better word for it. I am not where I want to be but I don't know where I want to be. I am constantly hoping that the right thing will come along and but despite my talent and skill (which are more than adequate) I have find myself in this stagnant pool where I've lost my motivation, I'm constantly looking to escape my responsibilities and more often than not, find it in frivolous things.
The truth is, there is no better cure for lethargy than hard work. The problem is inertia. A body in motion wants to stay in motion and a body that is not in motion wants to stay still. Enough with the procrastination, I have decided that I will buck. I know age is but a number on a card somewhere, I know I have skill and talent and intelligence to spare. I have decided that until I find my passion, I will work at whatever comes my way.
Hopefully I will find my passion before work bloody well kills my soul.
Just me.
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