Gratitude

I have lost count of how many days it has been since the Movement Control Order started. 

It gets harder to count my blessings. 

It is easier to focus on the 10,000 things that annoy me! 

However, I know that this is the purpose I told myself to do this journal. 

Focus creates reality. 

If I focus on how annoying my bosses are, they are going to get more fucking annoying. 

The truth is, everyone is going through a hard time. 

I am grateful that I have a comfortable home. 

I am grateful for this time that I have to reflect on my life and the direction I want it to take. 

I AM GRATEFUL FOR ...

In the hopes of learning to see the bright side of things, I am starting a gratitude journal. 

It's pretty simple actually. 

Just a little way for me to count my blessings. 

The whole world is going through a difficult time. 

The virus has shaken the very foundations of society as we know it. 

Everyday I wake up and I feel like I am dreaming. 

More and more everyday, it feels like we are in a bad zombie movie. 

So the best way to stay sane is count my blessings, no matter how small. 

When your world is reduced to four walls and a roof, it's best to use the time to focus on the good things. 

I am grateful for my health. 

I am grateful that my body has resilience despite the years of abuse I put it through and still continue to put it through. 

I am grateful that despite the world falling to pieces, my family is sheltered and well-fed. 

I am grateful that despite my mother's suspect health, we have the means and opportunity to get her the treatment she needs. 

I am grateful that because of this lockdown I could take her to her appointment with any guilt or any distractions. 

I am grateful that because of this lockdown, the doctor was able to give her his full attention. 

I am grateful that because of this lockdown, we did not have to wait very long. 

I am grateful that because of this lockdown I am able to learn to manage my time. 

Growth

Life is about growing and moving forward. Growth is the purpose to existence. Growth is difficult and oftentimes painful. The best teacher is experience but the lessons are not always easy. 

It is the belief of every single person that the life they are living is unique to them. Yet, it is the truth of human nature that we all search fervently for connections. Connections are formed of similarities in the human experience. It is the reason the TED talks are full. 

The truth is, every life is unique but it is unique to you. There is nothing new under the sun. We look for the sameness, we chafe at it and then we strive to be different. The truth is, we cannot escape the sameness of the human nature. The more we try, the less we learn. The more we try to leave the past behind, the more we are doomed to repeat it. The more we look forward without looking back, the less we learn. 

Mistakes are a cause of embarrassment and most people rush to cower and hide. They hide their mistakes and hide from their mistakes. Mistakes are like monsters in the closet, the more you hide from them, the more power you give them over you. Face your mistakes as you would your fears. Embrace the past and learn from it. Hide from your past and repeat it. 

Just Me! 

Dichotomy of human nature

It is the innate hypocrisy
The hospitality industry. Don't you find it ironic that this industry is where you usually find the grumpiest, snarliest, most unpleasant people ever? I always look at snarky wait staff or rude management and wonder what happened to make them as surly as they are.

Being in the industry myself, it is a constant battle to remind oneself that people don't set out to be idiotic and ruin your day. Sometimes, 'stupid is as stupid does'. 

There are also different cultures at play and the world is becoming a smaller place. The fight to keep one's identity is becoming militant. 65 million years ago, we decided that there was safety in being the same, today we are all about celebrating the differences in each other. Of course, that means when you see someone wearing the same dress as you, you either bawl your eyes out or try and rip the dress of them! 

So many set out to be different, individual, difficult. Where every rule is a suggestion and every price a negotiation.

It is the dichotomy of human nature that a customer is not considered cheap for asking for a discount but a restaurant is considered cheap for not giving one. Never mind the effort and the cost that went into the service and food. Rarely if ever does a guest consider that it is in fact rude to ask for a discount. The truth is, asking for a discount devalues the service provided. It is akin to highway robbery!

Just Me!

Balance

It is said that blessed are those who work at their passion. Every blessing however, also carries with it a curse. Working at your passion feeds your soul, but drains your spirit. For the lucky who have found a way to make their passions pay for, it is most likely that they will end up working themselves to the bone. It is a rarity that passion pays. What is even more rare is that you will then go on to find people who are equally passionate in the same thing.
It is an absolute impossibility to do it yourself. However, it is also improbable that you will find an individual that is equally passionate and dedicated, and it is a statistically unheard off for you to discover a group of such individuals.
Therefore if you have the great opportunity to be able to work at your passion, you must be prepared for long nights, longer days and equal amounts exhaustion and frustration.
I have found all the exhaustion, frustration and through it all, I can't even tell you if it is my passion!
Just me!

Tired

Exhaustion
A state where tiredness is your constant companion.
When your eyes are black hollows.
The lids dragged low by invisible weights.
A state where the mind is confused, unable to focus.
Limbs too heavy to move.
Dull, dreary, sluggish, slow.

Exhaustion.
My state of being.

Just ME!

A New Beginning

No I haven't joined the Navy. My life has however, has taken a turn for the better. I am working now, for what feels like the first time in a long time. I have taken a path, unforged and uncharted and somehow making it work for me. It is not working as well as I would have hoped and it has not brought the monetary reward that I always imagined would happen. However, the work has proven rewarding in other ways. I have not been able to fully commit to the work and I suspect that is the reason I have not been making as much money at it as I should be.
Every now and again, I break into a cold sweat that I have been taken advantage of, simply because it work that I enjoy doing. Enjoyment aside, I should be handsomely rewarded for my efforts. The problem is that I never feel confident enough asking for my due. I believe that the time has come that I do indeed ask for my due.
Still, the work is enjoyable. I am glad to be able to control my own time. Now I only have to get my own space and some monetary resources. My dream would be complete. Of course, somewhere in the midst of that, is the hope that I will find a strong compassionate man to share my life with. Someone kind, someone intelligent, someone supportive; if he could also be beautiful, I would count it as a bonus.
The law of attraction works especially slowly in my case. I need to get it moving quicker!
Just Me!

ANHEDONIA

Anhedonia. In medical terms, this means; Absence of pleasure from the performance of acts that would normally be pleasurable. That's a fancy, impersonal way to describe the loss of one's soul. Losing one's soul is a slow and onerous process. However, it is such that you don't even notice it sometimes.
I feel like I am losing my soul and in acknowledging the loss, I think I may lose my mind.
Nothing excites me. I have not felt excitement in so long, I have forgotten what it feels like. Without the motivation of pleasure or excitement, I am losing my drive to do anything.

Just Me.

Long time overdue

It's been awhile since I posted something and I thought now would be as a good a time as any. Britain has exited the EU, Trump is President and we live in a world gone mad. Nothing has changed in my little corner of the universe. I am still insecure, lazy, overweight and unemployed. Lest I forget, I am also depressed, obviously. I have a million unrealised plans, that may work. The only problem is, I cannot find the motivation to work them. Worse still, I take the first step and then let my doubts obliterate it. Self-sabotage, fear of success and all that. So what do I do? Oddly enough this is something I have no plan for. I have to take it one day at a time I guess.
Just Me.

Curvette of the year 2016!

So this blog is about airing my issues. I have always had a boatload of issues. Body image issues, weight management issues, mental health issues, fear of success issues, family issues, I could go on and on.
So this post is an elaboration on my previous post. I wrote the previous entry to psyche myself up. I was encouraged by one of the coaches at my gym, to enter an annual competition held by the gym. They canvas their membership across 11 branches looking for the best 'success' story. I was reluctant. I am an intensely private person. I don't actually like talking about myself. I agreed to enter the competition on a whim and then spent a couple of months procrastinating. I finally wrote up the piece and submitted it at literally the 11th hour. (Un)Luckily for me, my coaches managed to get the piece entered into the competition. I had thought that was the end of it. I honestly did not expect to hear anymore of it. Little did I know that I was not done, instead I get a call from HQ telling me that I had been shortlisted as a semi-finalist! I am subjected to a phone interview and then invited to a Morning of Empowerment. The good news doesn't end there! The sponsors have asked for models to model their lingerie and their clothes. I get chosen for that too! So I get to go for fittings - like models do, and then I get to play model for a day. It was a wonderful experience. I almost felt like I won the competition. It wasn't until a few days after that I even realised that it was only the beginning. I only realised that my journey had not ended when I got the second call telling me that I had been chosen as a finalist! Soon after I got to play model again, complete with a photo shoot! It was unbelievably exciting and honestly an experience I never thought I would ever have!
'It is not the destination, it is the journey that is important.' I am enjoying the journey. I have been given the opportunity to play model. I have been dressed and primped and photographed. It is a fabulous experience. If anyone had told me 10 years ago, that this journey was even in my future I would have laughed. 10 years ago, this was dream. It actually was a dream. I have always dreamed of being a model. I always want to dress up. I look for occasions where I can. I have never in my life been able to dress up. 10 years ago, when I dressed up, it looked like I had put lipstick on a pig!
Having this chance was amazing. I got to play model for the day, spokesperson for a day, role model for the other gym members. It's a lot of pressure and so far I have been holding up well. I know myself though, eventually, I am going to crack under the pressure.
Just Me!

Weight Management

My last post was 3 years ago and I realise my main concern has not changed. When did I become this person obsessed with weight? I suppose I have always had body image issues. I wanted to believe that those issues went away when I lost weight. I realise now that was  wishful thinking.
Body image issues start young. I don't know how it started or what caused it but those issues, stuck fast. Chubby baby to fat kid to overweight teen to obese young adult. The transition was constant but every step along that path, the self-loathing grew along with my weight.
Today understanding the issues and changing my mindset has not improved my relationship with food. I have not achieved my ideal weight and every setback is like a knife to my heart.
It has gotten better in the last year. I have joined a gym and I understand that, while my weight may fluctuate, I am in control. I know the causes and I can control my urges.
The main cause of the weight, other than the idiotic sweet tooth I have, is that I stress eat. The lack of progress in the other areas of my life is such a constant cause of stress that I eat my feelings.
So how do I break this vicious cycle?
Just Me!

AFRAID

So after a sleeve gastrectomy and watching what I eat and exercising, I have lost massive amounts of weight. I am not down to my ideal weight as yet. This is something I am going to remedy in the next year.
Anyway, the point is, the rapid weight loss has had some side effects. Possible hair loss, saggy skin. Saggy boobs. I knew there was going to be more surgery in the works. I was quite content to put it out of my mind. I wanted to wait till I had hit my ideal weight before I even thought about a skin tuck. Unfortunately the people around me were not as patient. I am getting on in my years and in an Asian community, no one believes that love can happen at any age. I want to get married. I want to find my special someone. I am not in an all fired hurry to do it however, because you know what? I believe in love and I don't think it can be rushed. I would rather not believe that it depends on how I look but I do know that how I look directly affects how I feel about myself. So to that end, I have been pushed into agreeing to do the skin tuck on my arms.
My admission for surgical assessment is tomorrow. DAMN IT!
I am freaked the fuck out!
You know I have been freaking out about this so much that I have been sabotaging myself. I have put on weight. I have been eating wrong. I have been bingeing. I am scared out of my mind!
Enough! I am going for my surgical assessment. And if I get my surgery done. Good!
I will be that much closer to my ideal weight! I am giving myself one more year to hit 65 KILOS! No starving but if I have to spend 4 hours a day working out! So be it! I don't have anything else to bloody do...so why not!
Just ME!

OCD?

So, ever had that day when your 'down-to-the-minute' schedule is thrown off by something tiny and insignificant? I have that happen to me all the time. I have everything planned and then something happens and suddenly, it's like my will to live is drained. I have a total inability to move past it and just recover the day as best I can. Instead, it's like I go into total lockdown and wait for the day to end so I can start fresh the next day. I look back and find that thirty years have gone by.
How do I stop this cycle? I can't seem to understand the cause of this process and most importantly I can't imagine how that would change anything.
Just Me!

Stress

There is something that happens when you're a single Indian woman of a certain age. Regardless of how successful, pretty, loveable, likeable you are, there is a perception that sets in. The perception that there is something wrong with you. Something that may not be visible on the surface, but a wrongness that is serious. So what do you do when you are that single Indian woman of a certain age? Mostly, you try desperately for years to 'better' yourself. Change every little thing about yourself that your well meaning married family members tell you is the problem with you. After a couple of years of this; unsuccessful, unhappy, frustrating years, a few get lucky, some get angry, most get sad.
Arranged marriages and marriage brokers may not be exclusive to the Indian community, though I do believe that it most prevalent in this community. The job of a marriage broker is exactly how it sounds. You walk around with a list prospective brides, prospective grooms and you try to set them up. Of course, given how slowly cultures change, the actual process is convoluted at best. Women or men, who at wits end to meet a prospective mate and find themselves at the mercy of these brokers are in for a bumpy ride.
Being a child of this age, where everything is possible, an age of reason and technology, it is difficult to surrender all that to the whims and fancies of fate. I grew up believing in love. I grew up, believing that I would find a man who would love me for who I am. Exactly as I am. That I would find someone who would accept me and fit into my life as seamlessly as I would fit into his. I still believe that but it is a quickly fading hope and I find myself day by day believing it less and less. It is like watching your foundations crumble and wash away and be helpless to do anything about it.
I feel like I have lost something I didn't even know I had. It has slipped through my fingers before I could even fully comprehend all that it meant to me.
Just Me.

Put off today what you can do tomorrow

Hardly the best thing in the world but the motto of procrastinators everywhere. I really cannot explain the psychology of procrastination. I suppose the reasons are different for everyone and quite truly I can't even explain my own reasoning.
All I know for sure is that I am a professional procrastinator. If it were a sport it would the one thing I could win a gold medal in. I don't know why I keep putting things off. I panic and freak out about deadlines but I don't actually do the work until it's too close for comfort or past the deadline. Even knowing the kind of trouble I can get into, I still put it off and put it off and put it off and keep putting it off.
I don't even know where I was going with this one.
Just me.

Motivation

I was an above average student. In primary school, in high school, in college and in university, I was always riding the top of the wave. I was never the best. I was too easily distracted and too lazy for that. It isn't something I can explain. I am intelligent, there is no doubt about that. What I lack is motivation. What I lack is ambition. I am quite happy to be middle of the way. That isn't true. I crave validation. I love being adored. I want to be looked up at. The problem then lays in the fact that I rarely want to work for it. That is also not completely true. I look back at my life and find that I have been happiest when I have been organising parties and functions. I like to solve problems and teach people how to do things. These are good things. I don't like deadlines. I don't like finicky people. I don't like it when people are disappointed in me.
Now I have an opportunity to work with my father. I do not want to work with my father. Never mind that, I don't even understand the damn work my father does! He expects me to be able to pick it up, it's "common sense" after all. I have found that with my father, "common sense" is really uncommon.
So where do I find the motivation? How do I pick myself up and get myself moving?
I think my get up and go has got up and went! If it was ever even there to begin with.
Just Me!

Staying young

It has been an accepted belief that good blood circulation is vital to good health. It is to this end, that exercise is encouraged and even insisted upon in some cases. In this day and age, our lifestyles have become sedentary. With cars, buses and technology making it completely unnecessary to leave the comfort of your couch.
The upside to technological advancements is, however, that what technology breaks, technology can fix.
The human body is designed to walk 20 km a day. That is an unbelievable distance. It would take about 2 hours in the gym to generate that amount of energy. There aren't many people that have that kind of time on their hands. In order to remedy this fact, a German family has come up with a handy solution.
Using timed electronic magnetic multi-dimensional wave pulses, the BEMER stimulates vaso-motion within the microcirculation system in the body. A mere 8 minute session twice a day can produce a marked difference in the body. It helps the body regenerate itself. With microcirculation working at an optimum, the body can regulate itself more efficiently. This means that life-giving oxygen and life sustaining nutrients can is effectively distributed throughout the body and waste products and de-oxygenated blood is just as efficiently evacuated.
It is simple enough to understand, a machine that works at an optimum can continue forever. The human body is the most miraculous machine in the world so ensuring its efficient maintenance is pure common sense.
Just Me.

Getting back on the bicycle

So my friends tell me that writing is like riding a bike. You never forget how. I had to point out that I CANNOT ride a bike. I never learned. So that analogy is completely lost on me. I have however, witnessed my mother who could ride a bike - has in fact been riding almost all her life because that was the only mode of transport easily available in her youth - end up on the ground with a bruised knee after a hiatus of  about 30 years from bike riding.
So after what has been for me a hiatus of almost a decade, I am writing again. Not fiction, not for fun and not schedule free; I am back in the report writing on a deadline business. Like the week long panic attacks, bingeing and purging weren't enough, I've signed on for more of the same for the foreseeable future. Am I crazy? Probably. Can I do this? Definitely. I just have to make sure my fears do not get the better of me.
Just Me.

Confidence

I made a promise a month ago that I would spend at least 30 minutes a day writing in this blog. I think it's pretty obvious that hasn't happened.
However, I was required to draft a letter for work. Without going into specifics, I just couldn't do it. I had panic attacks and mental blocks. I spent the week stress eating and bingeing. I can't imagine where this fear has come from.
I have been writing all my life. Throughout high school and college, I was stereotyped as the writer. So why can't I put pen to paper now?
The mere thought of writing something for someone else to read is enough to give me palpitations. When did this happen? How did I get this phobia? I try to keep such a close watch on my neuroses and this one crept up on me. I got blindsided.
So what do I do now?
I guess I just have to power through it. I just don't know how.
Just Me.

Lighthouses.

The 13th General Elections. It was much anticipated. The ruling government served out the full term of office, in the fear that they may not get another. The Opposition campaigned, and got the people fired up. People cried out for change! The youth of the nation, got involved. Everyone believed that this was the time. This time it was going to be different. I think even the politicians began to believe their own propaganda. It was inevitable that the public believed it too.
With all the promises, lies and fiction floating around, the truth became lost, hidden from view and so distorted, it was beyond recognition. So when the elections came, the results came in and the whole country held their collective breaths. The Opposition lost, the ruling party is still ruling and disappointment abounds. As a nation, we have yet to release that held breath. For the politicians, it's disbelief. The Opposition can't believe they've lost anymore than the ruling party can believe they've won. For most of us though, it's just hope and fear. We are afraid that there will be retaliations, both political and physical. We are hopeful that there won't be. So until things settle and life goes on for sure, we won't be able to release that breath.
This is the reality of politics in this country. We have been crying for change and we believe that the change in the government would have given us what we craved. I don't think so. I believe that this is the best possible outcome because the Opposition would not have made a better government. The Opposition is made up of individuals that will join anyone who would hand them a bit of power. Look to the infighting over the Ministerial position in Selangor. Politicians are a breed all their own and no matter colours they wear, there are the same inside. Their beliefs are changeable, their principles waver and nothing is set in stone. They cannot be for how would they be able to hold to their principles in the light of changing public opinions? The public that puts them in power must reserve the right to tell them how to think! I think that those who cried out for change, are kidding themselves. There is no change, there only less of the same!
Just Me!