Saturday, February 25, 2017


Anhedonia. In medical terms, this means; Absence of pleasure from the performance of acts that would normally be pleasurable. That's a fancy, impersonal way to describe the loss of one's soul. Losing one's soul is a slow and onerous process. However, it is such that you don't even notice it sometimes.
I feel like I am losing my soul and in acknowledging the loss, I think I may lose my mind.
Nothing excites me. I have not felt excitement in so long, I have forgotten what it feels like. Without the motivation of pleasure or excitement, I am losing my drive to do anything.

Just Me.

Thursday, December 08, 2016

Long time overdue

It's been awhile since I posted something and I thought now would be as a good a time as any. Britain has exited the EU, Trump is President and we live in a world gone mad. Nothing has changed in my little corner of the universe. I am still insecure, lazy, overweight and unemployed. Lest I forget, I am also depressed, obviously. I have a million unrealised plans, that may work. The only problem is, I cannot find the motivation to work them. Worse still, I take the first step and then let my doubts obliterate it. Self-sabotage, fear of success and all that. So what do I do? Oddly enough this is something I have no plan for. I have to take it one day at a time I guess.
Just Me.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Curvette of the year 2016!

So this blog is about airing my issues. I have always had a boatload of issues. Body image issues, weight management issues, mental health issues, fear of success issues, family issues, I could go on and on.
So this post is an elaboration on my previous post. I wrote the previous entry to psyche myself up. I was encouraged by one of the coaches at my gym, to enter an annual competition held by the gym. They canvas their membership across 11 branches looking for the best 'success' story. I was reluctant. I am an intensely private person. I don't actually like talking about myself. I agreed to enter the competition on a whim and then spent a couple of months procrastinating. I finally wrote up the piece and submitted it at literally the 11th hour. (Un)Luckily for me, my coaches managed to get the piece entered into the competition. I had thought that was the end of it. I honestly did not expect to hear anymore of it. Little did I know that I was not done, instead I get a call from HQ telling me that I had been shortlisted as a semi-finalist! I am subjected to a phone interview and then invited to a Morning of Empowerment. The good news doesn't end there! The sponsors have asked for models to model their lingerie and their clothes. I get chosen for that too! So I get to go for fittings - like models do, and then I get to play model for a day. It was a wonderful experience. I almost felt like I won the competition. It wasn't until a few days after that I even realised that it was only the beginning. I only realised that my journey had not ended when I got the second call telling me that I had been chosen as a finalist! Soon after I got to play model again, complete with a photo shoot! It was unbelievably exciting and honestly an experience I never thought I would ever have!
'It is not the destination, it is the journey that is important.' I am enjoying the journey. I have been given the opportunity to play model. I have been dressed and primped and photographed. It is a fabulous experience. If anyone had told me 10 years ago, that this journey was even in my future I would have laughed. 10 years ago, this was dream. It actually was a dream. I have always dreamed of being a model. I always want to dress up. I look for occasions where I can. I have never in my life been able to dress up. 10 years ago, when I dressed up, it looked like I had put lipstick on a pig!
Having this chance was amazing. I got to play model for the day, spokesperson for a day, role model for the other gym members. It's a lot of pressure and so far I have been holding up well. I know myself though, eventually, I am going to crack under the pressure.
Just Me!

Monday, April 11, 2016

Weight Management

My last post was 3 years ago and I realise my main concern has not changed. When did I become this person obsessed with weight? I suppose I have always had body image issues. I wanted to believe that those issues went away when I lost weight. I realise now that was  wishful thinking.
Body image issues start young. I don't know how it started or what caused it but those issues, stuck fast. Chubby baby to fat kid to overweight teen to obese young adult. The transition was constant but every step along that path, the self-loathing grew along with my weight.
Today understanding the issues and changing my mindset has not improved my relationship with food. I have not achieved my ideal weight and every setback is like a knife to my heart.
It has gotten better in the last year. I have joined a gym and I understand that, while my weight may fluctuate, I am in control. I know the causes and I can control my urges.
The main cause of the weight, other than the idiotic sweet tooth I have, is that I stress eat. The lack of progress in the other areas of my life is such a constant cause of stress that I eat my feelings.
So how do I break this vicious cycle?
Just Me!

Wednesday, November 27, 2013


So after a sleeve gastrectomy and watching what I eat and exercising, I have lost massive amounts of weight. I am not down to my ideal weight as yet. This is something I am going to remedy in the next year.
Anyway, the point is, the rapid weight loss has had some side effects. Possible hair loss, saggy skin. Saggy boobs. I knew there was going to be more surgery in the works. I was quite content to put it out of my mind. I wanted to wait till I had hit my ideal weight before I even thought about a skin tuck. Unfortunately the people around me were not as patient. I am getting on in my years and in an Asian community, no one believes that love can happen at any age. I want to get married. I want to find my special someone. I am not in an all fired hurry to do it however, because you know what? I believe in love and I don't think it can be rushed. I would rather not believe that it depends on how I look but I do know that how I look directly affects how I feel about myself. So to that end, I have been pushed into agreeing to do the skin tuck on my arms.
My admission for surgical assessment is tomorrow. DAMN IT!
I am freaked the fuck out!
You know I have been freaking out about this so much that I have been sabotaging myself. I have put on weight. I have been eating wrong. I have been bingeing. I am scared out of my mind!
Enough! I am going for my surgical assessment. And if I get my surgery done. Good!
I will be that much closer to my ideal weight! I am giving myself one more year to hit 65 KILOS! No starving but if I have to spend 4 hours a day working out! So be it! I don't have anything else to bloody why not!
Just ME!

Wednesday, August 21, 2013


So, ever had that day when your 'down-to-the-minute' schedule is thrown off by something tiny and insignificant? I have that happen to me all the time. I have everything planned and then something happens and suddenly, it's like my will to live is drained. I have a total inability to move past it and just recover the day as best I can. Instead, it's like I go into total lockdown and wait for the day to end so I can start fresh the next day. I look back and find that thirty years have gone by.
How do I stop this cycle? I can't seem to understand the cause of this process and most importantly I can't imagine how that would change anything.
Just Me!

Saturday, July 27, 2013


There is something that happens when you're a single Indian woman of a certain age. Regardless of how successful, pretty, loveable, likeable you are, there is a perception that sets in. The perception that there is something wrong with you. Something that may not be visible on the surface, but a wrongness that is serious. So what do you do when you are that single Indian woman of a certain age? Mostly, you try desperately for years to 'better' yourself. Change every little thing about yourself that your well meaning married family members tell you is the problem with you. After a couple of years of this; unsuccessful, unhappy, frustrating years, a few get lucky, some get angry, most get sad.
Arranged marriages and marriage brokers may not be exclusive to the Indian community, though I do believe that it most prevalent in this community. The job of a marriage broker is exactly how it sounds. You walk around with a list prospective brides, prospective grooms and you try to set them up. Of course, given how slowly cultures change, the actual process is convoluted at best. Women or men, who at wits end to meet a prospective mate and find themselves at the mercy of these brokers are in for a bumpy ride.
Being a child of this age, where everything is possible, an age of reason and technology, it is difficult to surrender all that to the whims and fancies of fate. I grew up believing in love. I grew up, believing that I would find a man who would love me for who I am. Exactly as I am. That I would find someone who would accept me and fit into my life as seamlessly as I would fit into his. I still believe that but it is a quickly fading hope and I find myself day by day believing it less and less. It is like watching your foundations crumble and wash away and be helpless to do anything about it.
I feel like I have lost something I didn't even know I had. It has slipped through my fingers before I could even fully comprehend all that it meant to me.
Just Me.