Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Harsh Truths

I am in a quandary. I had the opportunity to be a part of something big about a year ago. I recognised the opportunity for what it was and decided to get in at the ground floor despite my misgivings. I had some considerable misgivings because of the situation that it entailed. I generally do not like to work with my friends. I realise that colleagues eventually become your friends but I would rather work with strangers and build to that level rather than vice versa. Having said all of that, the problem really wasn't the working relationship at all. The problem is my professional ethics. I have none. I would like to believe that I do but the truth is I am simply lazy. I lack focus and I get distracted by shiny objects far too easily. I let my fear rule me and I simply shut down. I have this amazing ability to fool myself. I distract myself with fiction and fantasy and food (although that is no longer an option).
They say admitting that you have a problem is the first step to getting over your problem. That's true but no one ever talks about how bloody fucking difficult it is to take that second step. I've been on the first step for 20 years! I have this absolutely clear idea of my problems from all possible angles and I am terrified of taking that second step and getting over myself. I've sabotaged every chance I've been give, barricaded the door against opportunity, looked every gift horse in the mouth and then kicked it in the teeth!
So now here I am, being given an opportunity by a friend who is too loyal to quit on me. It makes me resent her a little. I don't want her fighting my battles for me. How's this for denial? I know that she makes it a point to adopt strays and lost causes. If you're a well rounded individual you're of no value to her. I knew this. I saw this and yet I deluded myself into thinking that I was the exception to that rule. The truth is, I AM THE FREAKING RULE! So she won't give up on me. She can't carry me because she has others to answer to but she won't give up. So here I am in the unique position to have to be the one to quit. And I can't go it. I will shoot myself in the foot a million times, but I can't point the trigger at my head and put me out of my misery. *Headdesk*
Just Me.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Opportunity

It is said that 'Opportunity only knocks once.' In my life opportunity has knocked many, many times. I have rarely had the courage to open the door. I am honest enough to admit that now but it is a truth that I have never fully realised until recently. I consider myself lucky because unlike the saying, opportunity has continued to knock on my door. I hope that one day soon I will have the strength and courage to open the door and seize it with both hands.
Just Me.

Sunday, August 07, 2011

Deal with it.

How would you react, if someone close to you asked you for a favour? How would you react if that favour was something you were not comfortable with or even felt safe doing? Would you turn it down? Would you agree to do it despite your misgivings?
I agreed. I was insincere in my agreement and my misgivings were intense. After an entire night of agonising over this favour, I awoke to find that the deed was no longer required. I am not one to wallow in guilt or regret. Guilt and regret are the two most pointless emotions. Guilt and regret stagnate you when you should be moving forward.
It isn't so much regret that I feel but insecurity. I did not want to do this. I did not feel comfortable doing this. When someone wants a favour off you, they overlook every objection and every misgiving. What most people forget is the viewpoint of the person carrying out the favour. It is a favour. By definition it is a willing act of aid from one person to or for another. If there is unwillingness in the act, it is no longer a favour, it is an obligation. When you are obligated to do something, you put your misgivings aside and you carry out your duty to the best of your abilitie, uncomfortable or not. That is not the case with a favour.
I refuse to wallow in the buts and what ifs and maybes. I did not feel comfortable doing you this favour. I was not in the position to do you this favour. I agreed, against my better judgment and despite this, you walked away and refused my offer - without even doing me the courtesy of telling me first. I have nothing to be sorry about. I refuse to be guilty about it. I regret nothing. Deal with it.
Just Me.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

TTT

I have just attended a Train the Trainer programme. It is something I consider a starting off point for a career in training. I am unsure whether that has been the case. I find myself strangely dissatisfied. I am thrilled because I am by far one of the best presenters in the class and it has been a great boost to my confidence level. I know that I am one of those people that need outside validation. I need to be told that I am good. I know instinctively that I can do this and that in fact I am good at it. Still, I crave validation. Outside validation was the reason I attended this programme. I find this happens wherever I go. I am always a head and shoulders above everyone else, yet I am far outstripped by them in achievements. Is this because of my arrogance in assuming that I am good? Or am I being lead down the garden path by those around me? I can't handle constructive criticism and I distrust any positve feedback. I have always known that I am a mass of contradictions but this is becoming too many contradictions even for my split psyche. So here I am in a a training session designed to imrpove my ability to train others. I am receiving the outside validation that I crave, yet I distrust it because it feels too good to be true. Honestly being a head and shoulders ahead of the others in this group is nothing because they quite frankly suck. So the question still remains, "am I truly good or am I just relatively good?" Just Me.

Monday, February 07, 2011

Just Me...Now

I need to blog. I keep promising myself to blog regularly and just as regularly, I fail. I only managed 7 posts last year and I haven't managed a post yet this year. I started this blog in the hopes that I would organise my thoughts, improve my writing and safely vent my emotions. However, I have utterly failed to achieve that. In fact I have failed to even venture into the mere vicinity of achieving that.
My thoughts flit through my minds so quickly. I feel passionately about many, many things but rarely ever passionately enough to hold onto the feeling for more than the 60 or so seconds it takes for the thought to slice through my mind. I am seeig a rather disturbing trend here. I make plans I don't keep, I make promises I don't keep, I can't hold onto my fire beyond the immediate. It is exceedingly obvious that I do not follow through. I lack perseverance. I have enough self-awareness to know this about myself but thus far, this self-awareness has not resulted in any kind of change. The only thing that my self-awareness has brought is a sort of intense dislike of myself.
This is one aspect of myself that I have managed to overcome to a slight extent. I no longer avoid looking in the mirror. I no longer sit around thinking of how much I would like to wipe my existence from the planet; to turn back time and never be born; to go to sleep and never wake up. It is painful to remember how intensely I disliked myself. I went on self-destructive rampage and nearly took out my family along with me. I tried to tell myself that I was only hurting myself, but that was never the truth. I have maded progress, I no longer want to die. I no longer think I am a horrible person. It is an ongoing struggle and I do not brush off criticism as easily as I appear to. In fact, I absorb comments as criticisms that were never even meant to be taken seriously. I feel judged all the time. It is a hangover from the time when I used to judge myself and always found myself falling short.
I have accepted the fact that this may be a struggle that will be with me forever. I don't want it to be; however, I may not have a choice in the matter. I hope I do.
Just Me.