Just Me...Now

I need to blog. I keep promising myself to blog regularly and just as regularly, I fail. I only managed 7 posts last year and I haven't managed a post yet this year. I started this blog in the hopes that I would organise my thoughts, improve my writing and safely vent my emotions. However, I have utterly failed to achieve that. In fact I have failed to even venture into the mere vicinity of achieving that.
My thoughts flit through my minds so quickly. I feel passionately about many, many things but rarely ever passionately enough to hold onto the feeling for more than the 60 or so seconds it takes for the thought to slice through my mind. I am seeig a rather disturbing trend here. I make plans I don't keep, I make promises I don't keep, I can't hold onto my fire beyond the immediate. It is exceedingly obvious that I do not follow through. I lack perseverance. I have enough self-awareness to know this about myself but thus far, this self-awareness has not resulted in any kind of change. The only thing that my self-awareness has brought is a sort of intense dislike of myself.
This is one aspect of myself that I have managed to overcome to a slight extent. I no longer avoid looking in the mirror. I no longer sit around thinking of how much I would like to wipe my existence from the planet; to turn back time and never be born; to go to sleep and never wake up. It is painful to remember how intensely I disliked myself. I went on self-destructive rampage and nearly took out my family along with me. I tried to tell myself that I was only hurting myself, but that was never the truth. I have maded progress, I no longer want to die. I no longer think I am a horrible person. It is an ongoing struggle and I do not brush off criticism as easily as I appear to. In fact, I absorb comments as criticisms that were never even meant to be taken seriously. I feel judged all the time. It is a hangover from the time when I used to judge myself and always found myself falling short.
I have accepted the fact that this may be a struggle that will be with me forever. I don't want it to be; however, I may not have a choice in the matter. I hope I do.
Just Me.