I feel strangely disconnected. Strangely I say, though truth be told, it’s hardly strange that I feel alone in this surging tide pool of human interaction. It is impossible to feel alone if you’re alone. Loneliness only hits when you compare your own lack of company to the company those around you keep. When you’re by yourself it doesn’t bother you that all you have are your thoughts. Most often those thoughts are highly informative and deeply enlightening. When you’re by yourself in a crowd, only then is loneliness brought home to you. As I sit here by myself surrounded by the families and friends, I feel alone. I feel cut off. I am an island of solitude in a sea of grasping connectivity. I do not wish this loneliness, this melancholy, yet in the same breath I do not wish the company of others. I have yearned for independence and now it lays shining within my grasp but loneliness eats away at my resolve. Loneliness in a crowd. Only in a crowd can the fact of your loneliness be made plain to you. Only in the face of the abundance of kinship can your own lack be made abundantly clear. My loneliness has been made clear to me. I resent it, yet I welcome it.
Just Me.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Travel and Living
My family is going to visit my brother in the United States next month. I have been asked many times why I don't choose to go with them on these trips. Truth is, I miss my brother. I miss very much. He is the only brother I have and I haven't laid eyes on him in ten years. However, the thought of travelling to America to see him with my entire family is less than appealing.
Let me recap the tale of this year's trip thus far. Bear in mind, they plan to take this trip next month and my father should be joining them from wherever in the world he will be at that time. Also remember, that this trip has been talked about for about three months already. We've yet to book the tickets, in fact, until two weeks ago we did not know when in September they would leave. Admittedly, the uncertainty was unavoidable because my sister is in her third year of university and the college hadn't released the exam timetable until two weeks ago. My mother refuses to travel on her own, so they had to wait for my sister. It would cost more for my father to fly back to Malaysia and then fly with my mother. So I understand the delay in pinning down the date of travel.
But the "debating" that has been going on since then. I'm not even going on this blasted trip and I'm annoyed beyond belief. My mother made a fuss about the 5 hour stopover, she made a fuss about the port of entry, she made a fuss about whether she could trust the men in our family to show up at said port of entry when they said they would, she made a fuss about the cost of the flight tickets. My father, dithered about port of entry, whether he would be able to get time off to even go on this vacation, whether he could plan it in a way that would coincide with a business trip so he could claim the airfare, whether he needed to spend all that time with my brother, the cost of the tickets, the timing of the vacation, the port of entry (yes again), the timing of the vacation, whether he'd be able to make it, whether my brother would be able to make it, whether they should break the journey in San Francisco.
My brother in a fit of extreme organisation, went ahead and booked his tickets to Frisco the moment he had the dates. Oh my god! He's gone ahead and booked himself a seven day break in Frisco. Of course that doesn't sit well with my father because, it wasn't his plan. And my mother is fussing about the extremely long journey home that she will have to make.
My solution, spend 7 days in Frisco and come the fuck home! I feel for my brother, he hasn't seen my mom in 2 years but dude, if he would just get his act together and sort out his bloody PR, he wouldn't have this problem. He could just come HOME for a visit.
All this drama, for a simple fucking family vacation! I'm running my tail off trying to coordinate this and I'M NOT EVEN GOING!!!!
At this point the fact that I'm not going is a bloody good thing...because I would have bitten someone's head off by now.
Bloody Hell!
Just Me.
Let me recap the tale of this year's trip thus far. Bear in mind, they plan to take this trip next month and my father should be joining them from wherever in the world he will be at that time. Also remember, that this trip has been talked about for about three months already. We've yet to book the tickets, in fact, until two weeks ago we did not know when in September they would leave. Admittedly, the uncertainty was unavoidable because my sister is in her third year of university and the college hadn't released the exam timetable until two weeks ago. My mother refuses to travel on her own, so they had to wait for my sister. It would cost more for my father to fly back to Malaysia and then fly with my mother. So I understand the delay in pinning down the date of travel.
But the "debating" that has been going on since then. I'm not even going on this blasted trip and I'm annoyed beyond belief. My mother made a fuss about the 5 hour stopover, she made a fuss about the port of entry, she made a fuss about whether she could trust the men in our family to show up at said port of entry when they said they would, she made a fuss about the cost of the flight tickets. My father, dithered about port of entry, whether he would be able to get time off to even go on this vacation, whether he could plan it in a way that would coincide with a business trip so he could claim the airfare, whether he needed to spend all that time with my brother, the cost of the tickets, the timing of the vacation, the port of entry (yes again), the timing of the vacation, whether he'd be able to make it, whether my brother would be able to make it, whether they should break the journey in San Francisco.
My brother in a fit of extreme organisation, went ahead and booked his tickets to Frisco the moment he had the dates. Oh my god! He's gone ahead and booked himself a seven day break in Frisco. Of course that doesn't sit well with my father because, it wasn't his plan. And my mother is fussing about the extremely long journey home that she will have to make.
My solution, spend 7 days in Frisco and come the fuck home! I feel for my brother, he hasn't seen my mom in 2 years but dude, if he would just get his act together and sort out his bloody PR, he wouldn't have this problem. He could just come HOME for a visit.
All this drama, for a simple fucking family vacation! I'm running my tail off trying to coordinate this and I'M NOT EVEN GOING!!!!
At this point the fact that I'm not going is a bloody good thing...because I would have bitten someone's head off by now.
Bloody Hell!
Just Me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
