I am having trouble reconciling my values, my wants and social pressure.
I have always had issues with my body weight and my body image. I thought that the operation took care of my issues but it turns out, it possibly only distracted me temporarily. I am still bulimic. I am still overweight and I still can't control myself around food.
I was tempted by the Healthpointe programme because it seemed easy but really all it is, is a fancy Atkins programme. It has supplements built in. It also has a coach and the usual measure yourself and all that jazz. I am not going to tie myself to the programme, however I would like to re-programme my health. I think I do need to build some muscle and gain some fitness. So that is what I am going to do. I am going to work out constantly. Get back into my mindset of loving exercise. Dancing and walking and yoga. I am going to start the weight training so I can increase my metabolism.
I wanted to try this programme as it is. I don't think that is a good idea anymore. I don't want to be involved in the programme with all the strings attached. I will do it without all the rigid Fascist monitoring. I find myself getting so angry about it. I don't want to be monitored. I can monitor myself. I am making a personal choice. However I don't like being told that I must do something in this way or it will not work. I am angry that this apparently brilliant thing that has worked for everyone cannot work for me. I want it to. I want to be like everyone else.
I have come to realise that this is a GI Joe fallacy I have created for myself. If I can accept that everyone is different and one size cannot fit all, this is another example of exactly that.
So I am going to do what I want to do. I will increase my nutrition because my joints are giving me trouble. I will eat right because I am putting on weight. I will start exercising frenetically because I want to get my fitness back. I want to dance. I want to wear nose bleed heels. I want to wear pretty, pretty dresses and nothing is going to stop me.
Just Me.
