Sunday, November 14, 2010

Hard-wired

As human beings, we display a curious dichotomy about wanting to belong and wanting to stand out. We would like to believe that we are autonomous beings with individual tastes, unique likes and dislikes. Yet, we shy away from truly outlandish tastes. Whilst we crave to make our stand as individuals, we would not want to be singled out as different. This is best exemplified by the rebellious youth. Almost all teenagers, rebel in the same way. Punk, Goth, skaters, cheerios, geeks, whatever they call themselves, even the loners have cliques where the fit in and belong. The truth is simple and complicated. It lies in our genetic make-up and the lesson of millions of years of evolution is that there is safety in numbers. So we flock, just as bird do, gather in schools just as fish do, run in herds like buffalo and just like wolves, we hunt in packs. Our intelligence tells us that there is no harm in being alone. Yet there is still that yearning to belong, that need for acceptance and approval, that fear of isolation and abandoment. The survival instinct buried in our DNA is mostly responsible for this response. Francis Bacon said, "I think, therefore I am." He is right, but only in part. Our thought process are controlled largely by our senses. Our senses can be fooled. In fact, everyday, in many different ways, our senses are deceived and entranced sometimes to our detriment, sometimes for the benefit of others.I just watched a documentary on the psychology of consumer buying. The oddest things influence our simplest decisions. Succesful manufacturers actually pay attention to seemingly irrelevant and absolutely far-fetched aspects. Like the vacumn cleaner manufacturer that has hired an expert to fine tune the sound a vacumn cleaner makes or the hotelier that has an expert who spent weeks designing a unique scent for their chain of hotels. It seems crazy and utterly pointles, but it only takes a minute of reflection to realise that it isn't so random. The truth, we are led by our senses and our thought processes are very instinctive. Sensory triggers are powerful and unavoidable. My parents have spent years talking about the unforgettable taste of home-cooking or the unbeatable taste of street food that they haven't been able to re-discover. For me personally, the smell of my mother's pasta sauce has always been a source of comfort and there is nothing that stimulates my appetite more thoroughly than a mere whiff of vanilla. Once you objectively analyse your decision making process, many will find that it is a mere rationalisation of our instintive response. Obi Wan Kenobi was right when he said that 'many of the truths we cling to depend largely on our point of view.' Our minds are powerful and largely unexplored, and therefore remains unexplained. It is a little disconcerting to realise that my thoughts can be manipulated in such subtle ways. I would like to believe that I make my own decisions; that no one and nothing could influence my decision making process. The truth is rather less favourable. While being aware that such manipulations exist may make me less suceptible, I think the process of 'push button A, get response B' is hard-wired enough into my psyche that you will get response B eventhough I know you're pushing button A. How goes it with you? Just Me.

Friday, July 02, 2010

Buried Life

Saw the tail end of an episode of Oprah featuring the MTV series called The Buried Life. It's about 4 guys who go around America and do things on their bucket list and help others do the same. It got me thinking. What would be on my bucket list? I am quite embarassed to say that I don't actually have a bucket list.
There isn't a list of things that I would like to do before I die. I can't imagine why that is. The truth is, I suppose there are a whole host of things that I would do given half the chance, but there isn't anything that I absolutely want to. I reviewed my earlier posts and apparently I wrote a little bit of a mini bucket list a couple of years back. The first thing on that list was to lose weight! Oh my god!
Losing weight is something that dominated my every waking thought for as far back as I can remember. I've done. It took me 32 years and an operation but I have finally done it. I'm doing it. I am not down to the weight I want to be exactly but I'm getting there. Being as that was number one on my list for so long, I can't think of what else I want to do.
Best give this some thought then.
Just Me.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Temptation keeps knocking

I'm watching a show about people who are trying to quit smoking. As I sit here watching their withdrawal symptoms and everything they are going through, I'm amazed at the sheer drama invloved. I do not want to belittle their experiences or anything. I know first hand how difficult it is to give up an addiction.

I have been smoke free for about three years now. The surprising thing about it, was that I quit cold turkey and other than a cold that didn't go away for about three months after, I didn't have any problems. I didn't have withdrawal symptoms or mood swings or any of the other drama that these people are going through.

Watching the show though, I feel like lighting up. Ironically for me, I gave up an addiction easier than I gave up drinking. I gave up alcohol about two years ago. I was not an alcoholic or a binge drinker or even a regular drinker at that point. I gave up alcohol for spiritual reasons. I honestly have had more relapses with alcohol than with cigarettes. I find this somewhat amusing, because when I decided that I was going to give up alcohol, I hadn't even had a drink in over 7 or 8 months; whereas I was a 30 sticks a day smoker when I quit. So why was it so easy for me? My cousins and ex-smoking buddies are absolutely flabbergasted that I gave up so easily and that I have stayed smoke free for so long. I don't even feel the urge. I used to reach for a cigarrette whenever I felt bored. I used to smoke just to give my hands something to do. I won't pretend that I don't get bored sometimes, but I decided that cigarettes will no longer be a boredom reliever and so I simply don't even think about it.

With alcohol, it was never an addiction. It wasn't even a regular thing. The problem with alcohol is that it's a social nicety that I miss. It doesn't help that I am surrounded by people who don't understand why I've quit drinking.

There was no point to this entry but I just felt that I had to get it out there.

Just Me.

Monday, May 03, 2010

Bad Luck...

Comes in threes? Never has a saying filled me with more dread than this one. See this month alone, I've had two brushes with bad luck. Firstly, I' had my handbag snatched off me as I exited from the bank. This guy ran up and literally cut the handbag off my shoulder and ran off into the night. I lost my wallet which held my credit cards, my ATM card, my membership cards, my little diary, my pill box, my compact mirrors, my anti-plastic recyclable bag, my money, my mother's cheque book request form, a bunch of cheques, my mobile phone and here's the kicker, my month old, barely used, birthday gift; digital camera! I'm still weeping inside about that. I barely recovered from that. I am firm believer in the Law of Attraction and being mugged was something I was absolutely certain would never happen to me. It happened and my belief system is now shaken.

When I told my mother, I was given the lecture about 'asking for it'. That's something else I don't believe in. Bad things happen and I don't believe in blaming the victim. No one walks around with a neon sign saying rob me, hurt me, hit me, rape me...whatever. That's not how it works. It's the law of the jungle. So I was upset that Iw as robbed and then I was annoyed that I was being blamed. It's only natural I suppose it doesn't make it easier. When something happens, it's human nature to want to blame something or someone. It was the reason religion got started in the first place. So in a case like this, the only person left to blame is the victim.

Things had just started to settle a little after the mugging and I had driven up to Penang with my father and then was driving down with my mother when it happened. We were just out of the tunnel after the Kuala Kangsar bridge, on a winding downhill road when we had come up to a traffic jam. I've traveled this road a thousand times and I've never seen the traffic stopped like that. I pulled into the left lane of this two lane highway and put the car into park and waited for them to let us on our way. All I remember is seeing this big blue and yellow delivery truck coming up behind me and for a heartbeat it didn't make any sense, all the cars were stopped and here was this truck moving. Then I finally realised what I was seeing, this truck was coming between the two lanes! I threw my arm across my mother in the seat next to me, slid down into my seat because my seat belt doesn't work, put my foot on the brake and braced my arm against the steering wheel. (And yes, I realise now that bracing my arm against the wheel like that was an incredibly stupid thing to do. A hard impact would break my arm. So for future reference DON'T DO THAT!!!!!) Anyway, back to the story. I feel an impact because the Toyota Unser behind me smacked into me. For two heartbeats I thought that would be it, but I was wrong because the car jolted forward and smacked into the Toyota Hilux in front of me. The runaway delevery truck had bounced off the Unser behind me and scraped along the Hilux in front tearing off a side view mirror and coming to a stop wedged between the Hilux and the little lorry in the right lane. Now I drive a dinky little Proton Wira Aeroback Sports Edition and both the Toyotas are big solid things. The impact on the front was especially bad because the Hilux is a huge four wheel drive with a high rear end. My bonnet folded up like an accordion and the inside of my car got pushed a good five inches from the front bumper. Stepping out of the car, I could the hiss of gas escaping. There was tow truck in the line of cars behind us who thankfully stopped, helped, got us out of harms way and towed us to the nearest police station and workshop and so on. Bottom line, I'm out of a car for about a month.

One of the first things my mother said to a relative that called us right after the accident was that it's 'my daughter's bad time'. Way to play blame game mom. After these two, I'm wondering what's in store for me. I am trying hard not to think about the dreaded third time but it's there at the back of my mind.

I am determined to look at this positively. I did not lose anything that could not be replaced. Yes, it will cost some money and possibly a lot of time but I'm safe and my mother is unhurt so thi was a good thing. There's also a saying that the third time's the charm...so maybe the third time will be a blessing or a spot of fabulous good luck. Here's to the third time!

Just Me.

Friday, April 09, 2010

Mugged

I went to the bank that was right around the corner from my home. It was late but I'd done this a thousand times before with no incident. This time I was not so lucky. I was getting into my car when I heard a shout. I made the mistake of turning and I already had one foot in the car. He ran at me and grabbed my handbag. I held on to it but thenI saw the knife. As much as I wanted to hold onto the bag I did not want to risk it. He grabbed the bag and cut the strap and he was gone. Running off into the night. It was 2 minutes from start to finish. I lost my wallet containing my credit cards, my atm card, my identification card, my driving license, my mobile phone, my brand new digital camera plus a bunch of cheques. It was one hell of a night. I can't get the face of the fat son of a bitch out of my head and I desperately want to put this behind me. Being as firm a believer in the law of attraction as I am, I do not understand how this happened in the first place and I do not want this miasma of negative energy attracting more 'bad luck' my way.
Ironically, had I been the person I was a year ago, I would have fought back harder. I had nothing to lose back then and no knife would have deterred me. The last year has been a turning point and I didn't want to risk being injured but really more importantly being disfigured.
I am upset. I have searched my feelings and I think I am most upset because of the way I reacted or didn't in this case. I have always prided myself on my street smarts, I have always prided myself on my spacial awareness. I have always believed that I would react better in this situation and I would handle myself better and that no pathetic knife wielding punk of a man would ever get the better of me. I behaved in the exact opposite manner. I screamed, I hung on to my bag ineffectually and I got mugged. I could have kicked him away, I could have shut the door on him, I shouldn't have turned when he yelled, a million things I could have done and yet nothing changes the fact that I behaved appallingly. I was the epitome of damsel in distress. It is a stereotype that I hate and I hate that I embodied it today. Once I'd cancelled my cards and my phone and my atm card, I am ashamed to say that I was actually in tears. So now I'm ashamed. It's another dirty little secret to add to my laundry list of dirty secrets. If I ever see the little fucker again I will fucking cut his balls off! I want my camera back goddamnit, it was brand new!
Fuck what a night!
Eshwari

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Birthdays

My birthday came and went almost a week ago now and I am still feeling the effects of it. I do not know when exactly the melancholy kicked in. Was it when I woke up and felt alone? Was it when I went about my day alone, whiling away my time before the birthday dinner? Was it the day itself when I thought about how life has passed me by? I'm a year older and what have I to show for myself? Was it when my aunt called to wish me a happy birthday and then choked on her tongue when she realised my age?

Truth be told, I am not too unhappy with the way things are. Maybe that is the problem. I am content. Although complacent would be a better word for it. I am not where I want to be but I don't know where I want to be. I am constantly hoping that the right thing will come along and but despite my talent and skill (which are more than adequate) I have find myself in this stagnant pool where I've lost my motivation, I'm constantly looking to escape my responsibilities and more often than not, find it in frivolous things.

The truth is, there is no better cure for lethargy than hard work. The problem is inertia. A body in motion wants to stay in motion and a body that is not in motion wants to stay still. Enough with the procrastination, I have decided that I will buck. I know age is but a number on a card somewhere, I know I have skill and talent and intelligence to spare. I have decided that until I find my passion, I will work at whatever comes my way.

Hopefully I will find my passion before work bloody well kills my soul.

Just me.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Stupidity...thy name is Religion

I have just been reading the newspapers and I'm disgusted. Absolutely disgusted. Some stupid fucking idiot of a priest wrote an article in a church newsletter and then translated it to Malay. Incorrectly! Apparently, this idiot used the word Allah as a translation for God. This has stirred up a hornet's nest of trouble as can be imagined. I mean, of course the Muslims are pissed off. I would be pissed off. Well ok, maybe I would be a little confused but ultimately I would be annoyed. I respect the religious views of others so long as my own religious views are respected.
It's one of the edicts of Christianity that God's name is not to be taken in vain and the fact of the matter is, Allah isn't a translation for God, it's the name of God!
I don't know that I would be pissed off, truth be told because having some guy from another religion professing admiration or adoration for your God would be a good thing. Unfortunately that's where the press comes in. Our country is in the beginning stages of some kind of political revolution. The youth of the country are becoming more involved in politics, it's beginning to look like everyone has an opinion about everything. We've gone from having the Asian mentality of keeping our heads down and getting our work done to speaking up and expressing ourselves. The downside is of course that the empty drims make the most noise. So of course the ones garnering attention in the media are the morons with abso-fucking-lutely nothing to say!
I swear if I get my hands on the jackass who wrote this article and started this mess, I'll give him a swift kick up his backside!
Just ME!