AFRAID

So after a sleeve gastrectomy and watching what I eat and exercising, I have lost massive amounts of weight. I am not down to my ideal weight as yet. This is something I am going to remedy in the next year.
Anyway, the point is, the rapid weight loss has had some side effects. Possible hair loss, saggy skin. Saggy boobs. I knew there was going to be more surgery in the works. I was quite content to put it out of my mind. I wanted to wait till I had hit my ideal weight before I even thought about a skin tuck. Unfortunately the people around me were not as patient. I am getting on in my years and in an Asian community, no one believes that love can happen at any age. I want to get married. I want to find my special someone. I am not in an all fired hurry to do it however, because you know what? I believe in love and I don't think it can be rushed. I would rather not believe that it depends on how I look but I do know that how I look directly affects how I feel about myself. So to that end, I have been pushed into agreeing to do the skin tuck on my arms.
My admission for surgical assessment is tomorrow. DAMN IT!
I am freaked the fuck out!
You know I have been freaking out about this so much that I have been sabotaging myself. I have put on weight. I have been eating wrong. I have been bingeing. I am scared out of my mind!
Enough! I am going for my surgical assessment. And if I get my surgery done. Good!
I will be that much closer to my ideal weight! I am giving myself one more year to hit 65 KILOS! No starving but if I have to spend 4 hours a day working out! So be it! I don't have anything else to bloody do...so why not!
Just ME!

OCD?

So, ever had that day when your 'down-to-the-minute' schedule is thrown off by something tiny and insignificant? I have that happen to me all the time. I have everything planned and then something happens and suddenly, it's like my will to live is drained. I have a total inability to move past it and just recover the day as best I can. Instead, it's like I go into total lockdown and wait for the day to end so I can start fresh the next day. I look back and find that thirty years have gone by.
How do I stop this cycle? I can't seem to understand the cause of this process and most importantly I can't imagine how that would change anything.
Just Me!

Stress

There is something that happens when you're a single Indian woman of a certain age. Regardless of how successful, pretty, loveable, likeable you are, there is a perception that sets in. The perception that there is something wrong with you. Something that may not be visible on the surface, but a wrongness that is serious. So what do you do when you are that single Indian woman of a certain age? Mostly, you try desperately for years to 'better' yourself. Change every little thing about yourself that your well meaning married family members tell you is the problem with you. After a couple of years of this; unsuccessful, unhappy, frustrating years, a few get lucky, some get angry, most get sad.
Arranged marriages and marriage brokers may not be exclusive to the Indian community, though I do believe that it most prevalent in this community. The job of a marriage broker is exactly how it sounds. You walk around with a list prospective brides, prospective grooms and you try to set them up. Of course, given how slowly cultures change, the actual process is convoluted at best. Women or men, who at wits end to meet a prospective mate and find themselves at the mercy of these brokers are in for a bumpy ride.
Being a child of this age, where everything is possible, an age of reason and technology, it is difficult to surrender all that to the whims and fancies of fate. I grew up believing in love. I grew up, believing that I would find a man who would love me for who I am. Exactly as I am. That I would find someone who would accept me and fit into my life as seamlessly as I would fit into his. I still believe that but it is a quickly fading hope and I find myself day by day believing it less and less. It is like watching your foundations crumble and wash away and be helpless to do anything about it.
I feel like I have lost something I didn't even know I had. It has slipped through my fingers before I could even fully comprehend all that it meant to me.
Just Me.

Put off today what you can do tomorrow

Hardly the best thing in the world but the motto of procrastinators everywhere. I really cannot explain the psychology of procrastination. I suppose the reasons are different for everyone and quite truly I can't even explain my own reasoning.
All I know for sure is that I am a professional procrastinator. If it were a sport it would the one thing I could win a gold medal in. I don't know why I keep putting things off. I panic and freak out about deadlines but I don't actually do the work until it's too close for comfort or past the deadline. Even knowing the kind of trouble I can get into, I still put it off and put it off and put it off and keep putting it off.
I don't even know where I was going with this one.
Just me.

Motivation

I was an above average student. In primary school, in high school, in college and in university, I was always riding the top of the wave. I was never the best. I was too easily distracted and too lazy for that. It isn't something I can explain. I am intelligent, there is no doubt about that. What I lack is motivation. What I lack is ambition. I am quite happy to be middle of the way. That isn't true. I crave validation. I love being adored. I want to be looked up at. The problem then lays in the fact that I rarely want to work for it. That is also not completely true. I look back at my life and find that I have been happiest when I have been organising parties and functions. I like to solve problems and teach people how to do things. These are good things. I don't like deadlines. I don't like finicky people. I don't like it when people are disappointed in me.
Now I have an opportunity to work with my father. I do not want to work with my father. Never mind that, I don't even understand the damn work my father does! He expects me to be able to pick it up, it's "common sense" after all. I have found that with my father, "common sense" is really uncommon.
So where do I find the motivation? How do I pick myself up and get myself moving?
I think my get up and go has got up and went! If it was ever even there to begin with.
Just Me!

Staying young

It has been an accepted belief that good blood circulation is vital to good health. It is to this end, that exercise is encouraged and even insisted upon in some cases. In this day and age, our lifestyles have become sedentary. With cars, buses and technology making it completely unnecessary to leave the comfort of your couch.
The upside to technological advancements is, however, that what technology breaks, technology can fix.
The human body is designed to walk 20 km a day. That is an unbelievable distance. It would take about 2 hours in the gym to generate that amount of energy. There aren't many people that have that kind of time on their hands. In order to remedy this fact, a German family has come up with a handy solution.
Using timed electronic magnetic multi-dimensional wave pulses, the BEMER stimulates vaso-motion within the microcirculation system in the body. A mere 8 minute session twice a day can produce a marked difference in the body. It helps the body regenerate itself. With microcirculation working at an optimum, the body can regulate itself more efficiently. This means that life-giving oxygen and life sustaining nutrients can is effectively distributed throughout the body and waste products and de-oxygenated blood is just as efficiently evacuated.
It is simple enough to understand, a machine that works at an optimum can continue forever. The human body is the most miraculous machine in the world so ensuring its efficient maintenance is pure common sense.
Just Me.

Getting back on the bicycle

So my friends tell me that writing is like riding a bike. You never forget how. I had to point out that I CANNOT ride a bike. I never learned. So that analogy is completely lost on me. I have however, witnessed my mother who could ride a bike - has in fact been riding almost all her life because that was the only mode of transport easily available in her youth - end up on the ground with a bruised knee after a hiatus of  about 30 years from bike riding.
So after what has been for me a hiatus of almost a decade, I am writing again. Not fiction, not for fun and not schedule free; I am back in the report writing on a deadline business. Like the week long panic attacks, bingeing and purging weren't enough, I've signed on for more of the same for the foreseeable future. Am I crazy? Probably. Can I do this? Definitely. I just have to make sure my fears do not get the better of me.
Just Me.

Confidence

I made a promise a month ago that I would spend at least 30 minutes a day writing in this blog. I think it's pretty obvious that hasn't happened.
However, I was required to draft a letter for work. Without going into specifics, I just couldn't do it. I had panic attacks and mental blocks. I spent the week stress eating and bingeing. I can't imagine where this fear has come from.
I have been writing all my life. Throughout high school and college, I was stereotyped as the writer. So why can't I put pen to paper now?
The mere thought of writing something for someone else to read is enough to give me palpitations. When did this happen? How did I get this phobia? I try to keep such a close watch on my neuroses and this one crept up on me. I got blindsided.
So what do I do now?
I guess I just have to power through it. I just don't know how.
Just Me.

Lighthouses.

The 13th General Elections. It was much anticipated. The ruling government served out the full term of office, in the fear that they may not get another. The Opposition campaigned, and got the people fired up. People cried out for change! The youth of the nation, got involved. Everyone believed that this was the time. This time it was going to be different. I think even the politicians began to believe their own propaganda. It was inevitable that the public believed it too.
With all the promises, lies and fiction floating around, the truth became lost, hidden from view and so distorted, it was beyond recognition. So when the elections came, the results came in and the whole country held their collective breaths. The Opposition lost, the ruling party is still ruling and disappointment abounds. As a nation, we have yet to release that held breath. For the politicians, it's disbelief. The Opposition can't believe they've lost anymore than the ruling party can believe they've won. For most of us though, it's just hope and fear. We are afraid that there will be retaliations, both political and physical. We are hopeful that there won't be. So until things settle and life goes on for sure, we won't be able to release that breath.
This is the reality of politics in this country. We have been crying for change and we believe that the change in the government would have given us what we craved. I don't think so. I believe that this is the best possible outcome because the Opposition would not have made a better government. The Opposition is made up of individuals that will join anyone who would hand them a bit of power. Look to the infighting over the Ministerial position in Selangor. Politicians are a breed all their own and no matter colours they wear, there are the same inside. Their beliefs are changeable, their principles waver and nothing is set in stone. They cannot be for how would they be able to hold to their principles in the light of changing public opinions? The public that puts them in power must reserve the right to tell them how to think! I think that those who cried out for change, are kidding themselves. There is no change, there only less of the same!
Just Me!

The land of hopes and dreams!

I began this post almost a month ago to chronicle the family vacation to the land of hopes and dreams. I wrote pages and pages of prose, till it seemed like it would never end. I stopped and decided to get some perspective. Now it has been a more than month since we've returned and a journal entry about the trip is long overdue.
So, what has my period of reflection brought me? I have realised that the memories that burn the brightest in the moment, is not necessarily.
I am reminded of a quote from the movie "The Ghost and The Darkness" Michael Douglas says to Val Kilmer, "So many times, things happen and at the time you say, this will stick with me, surely, I will never forget this moment, sunset, kiss. And then...poof"
I find this quote rings all the more true. I actually understand this statement. More so now than when I first heard it. My memory has always been flawless but I find as I get older, I am more selective about what I remember.
I can only assume that my mind selects the best bits of my present to etch into my memory.
To that end, what do I really remember about the trip to California? I remember meeting my brother after 13 years. It was the best bit of the trip. I remember all the sights I wanted to see and didn't. I remember being around my family constantly.
I walked three beaches, saw about a mile and half of coastline at 40 miles an hour, walked into some hillside, visited the same premium outlet mall twice, walked the Vegas strip a little and visited Universal Studios and the San Diego Sea World. I went across the Golden Gate Bridge and walked Fisherman's Wharf. I found that my interests are completely different to that of my family - which I already knew. I received multiple compliments on the way I was dressed- which felt amazing! I have been dying to return the compliment wherever I go. (Paying it forward and all) I also discovered that my family have blinkers on like you wouldn't believe! We've been a family for 35 years and my parents have been married to each other for 40 years and have known each other their ENTIRE lives, yet, every little decision was debated and every little action was a constant surprise. In a family of 5, I am peacekeeper, my father cares for no opinion other than his own, my brother is exactly the same but has a smidgen of tact and respect, my mother and my sister share a brain (not in a good way) and have no idea how to express any dissent or opinion.
The other notable thing to happen to us, was that we were robbed on a residential street in San Jose. Of course, we left the car unlocked, but you expect a certain amount of safety. My other notable experience was the CSI experience. That was fun and I am good!
Just Me!

And they wonder how things go missing

So here's the thing. I am in charge of every piece of paperwork for the whole entire family. I file bank statements, I keep track of golf club payments, I deposit dividend cheques and all the little bits in between. Doctor's appointments, driving miss daisy, credit card statements...etc, etc, etc.
When we renovated the house, I was the liaison between my mom, my dad and the damn foreperson who kept going over my head and dealing with my dad who was in another country. We have moved into our new home and half our stuff is still in the old apartment because the new house is only semi furnished. My father insists on keeping things minimalist, even though he has hung onto bank statements from 30 years ago! I kid you not. Three months ago, he went through this mountain of papers and hands over piles of statements to be disposed of. Of course, he is also paranoid enough to want me to first get a shredder to shred the statements. Yes, I haven't gotten around to it. So last week, he asks me, where are the old statements? I need to check something. You haven't gotten rid of them have you? OH DEAR GOD!
So now, living in a semi furnished house that doesn't have enough storage, having to go back and forth between the house and the apartment, I have lost the bank passbooks!
I have a nagging feeling that I gave it to my father the last time he was here and he's left them in Germany. So tell me, is this my fault?
It feels like it is. I feel like I should have been on top of it. I am known for my awesome memory and I can't bloody remember where these important documents have gone. My brother has been overseas for the longest time and his bank account has gone dormant. No one is bothered to revive it, or even get the money out. I have been hanging on to these things and now, in the move, they've gone bloody missing! What the fuck?
Just me!

Body image

Years of being the fat kid has left me with body issues a mile deep. It took dieting, exercise and finally an operation to get my weight down into the overweight category. Yes, after all of that, I have not managed to get my weight into the right weight for my height.
So at this point, I am frustrated. I have been struggling to reach my goal weight for some time now and I have not managed to hit it yet. I am determined to reach this goal this year. I don't care what it takes and how much of effort it will require from me. I am obsessed and I don't care who knows it. If I have to starve myself and work myself to the bone, then so be it.
I will attain my goal weight! I will do it this year and I will look fantastic doing it!
Just Me!

How are they making money again?

I placed a reservation over the phone on the 9/2/13 for 4 to LAX return. I was given until 4pm on the 12/2/13 to make full payment. I called at 3pm to enquire if I would be able to make a change to the date of travel as I wanted to change the return date. I was told that it wouldn't be a problem and would cost nothing because payment had yet to be made. So I rushed to the nearest ticketing counter eager to purchase my tickets. When I arrived at the counter at 3.40pm, I was told that system was down! It was a nationwide system crash. I was understandably upset and on the suggestion of the counter staff, I called the Call Centre to make sure that I would not lose my booking price. The call centre staff were also unable to accept payment because their system was also down. However, the staff member I spoke to; a Mr. Hasly, extended my deadline to 2pm on the 15/2/13. He assured me that I would not lose the booking price. I called the Call Centre the very next day and I was told that since the promotion period was over, a senior sales staff would call me back. So I waited and waited and waited for the call and received no call. I called the centre again on the morning of the 14th and I
was given the same run around again! I must admit I lost my temper a little bit. So finally I got through to a call centre staff called Anisah, who proved to be quite helpful. However, despite bearing the brunt of my annoyance, she was in no position to help as the staff member who could actually accept the payment was not at work yet. I get a call back from a Yasmin and she tells me that despite what I had been expressly told, I would in fact have to pay extra to change the date on my return flight. So here I am, stuck with possibly paying RM400 more per ticket for something that was not even my fault!
I cannot understand how MAS makes any money. My father spoke to Yasmin when she called back for the payment and she tells us flat out that there are multitude seats available on the return we want and yet they will not let us buy those tickets for the price we were promised. Of course we were given the old tried and tested line of how the employee made a promise they weren't even authorised to make.
Well as it turns out, it might a blessing in disguise because while all this was going on, I found that flying via Cathay Pacific into San Francisco would be cheaper! Take that Malaysia Airlines! Best Cabin Crew be damned, none of that even matters a damn if the company can't get butts in the damn seats!
Just Me!

The Journey of the US Visa

After years of trepidation about getting rejected for a US Visa, I spent exactly 512 ringgit, 5 hours waiting (in my car, at the embassy, in the traffic jam) and a total of 5 minutes face time, I am now the proud owner of a US Visa. I will have to pick it up on Wednesday. Really the whole thing is a bloody farce! I was sitting there and watching the goings on in the waiting room when an entire family trooped in (and I really mean trooped...there was like 10 or 12 of them!). I watched as the father patiently explained to lady behind the counter that this was the second time they were applying because they'd already been rejected once. Then I found myself chatting to a nice old gentleman about the fact that it's his third application. I can't imagine anything in America worth safeguarding so ferociously nor can I understand the desperation of these people to want to go there. Forbidden fruit I suppose. I mean the mad I was chatting with had like a bushel of supporting documents. I had nothing! I refused to take anything with me. My mother says I was very lucky. Considering I didn't even want to go on this blasted family holiday in the first damn place, I am not so sure!
This is my life!
Just Me!

My life so far

So my first post of 2013. It's been all of two months into the new year and I feel like I am drowning. That's just a freaking awesome feeling. 
I suppose it's also simply me being a little melodramatic. I mean I am looking at possibly getting a holiday to America in the next month. Pretty sweet right? NOT!
I don't want to go to America! I know, I know, for many people it's the promised land where dreams come true and all that. It just doesn't do it for me. To be honest, I don't know if that is because I genuinely do not want to go or just a case of sour grapes because I know the Americans won't give me a goddamn visa! 
I think it's a little bit of both. A lot more of the latter,  although I dread going on holiday with my family. I mean I can't get away from them on a good day! Being stuck with my family in a foreign country where I cannot run away or go off to work, or get in my car and drive is as close to a waking nightmare as it can get. 
I have a neurotic,fickle minded mother, who is never happy. An old-fashioned, pedantic father, who never listens to anything anyone says. A sister who is a petulant 5 year old stuck in the body of a 25 year old and brother whom I haven't seen in 13 years! I am the oldest and the screw up. Oh joy!
My first order of business in the new year...apply for a US tourist visa. In other words, I have to now waste about 160 bucks on an application for a visa that will most likely be turned down to go visit a country I am not even sure I want to go to!
Really, this is my life! I kid you not!
Just me.