Ordinarily I am quite capable of defending myself. However at the end of 2019, I was at my lowest.
I had lost staff that I had worked very hard to build. I was looking down the barrel of a long restart and rebuild. It was gut wrenching. I had barely wrapped my head around it when I was also handed the Events role while she used up her accumulated vacation time. It was taxing and tiring and not something I could possibly fathom doing as a dual role. It was at that point that I was offered the role full time. I was not convinced and I did not think it through. I heard "do us a favour." I also realised instead of re-starting in Manja, I would be actually re-starting in a completely new position. At that point it was also quite apparent that had I refused, I would in effect be doing both jobs for as long as I was able. No replacement had been found or even sought for the Events position. My criteria for taking the position was that it would not compromise Manja.
I took it as a challenge to myself. Then I met Reuben. I understood the position he was in. I was the owner's cousin. I had years of experience on him within the organisation. I understood that he would be insecure and looking to make his mark. The first meeting with him was a disaster. I thought I would lay my cards on the table. I told him I was not motivated my money and I completely stunned him. He had no idea how to process that world view. Instead of trying, he decided that I was being coy and/or dishonest. He decided then and there what kind of person I was and then proceeded to ignore any and all evidence that indicated anything else. At the end of the meeting he told me to 'be motivated by money.' In hindsight and with the benefit of some distance, it was a humongous red flag. Here is a manager essentially in the Sales position who isn't motivated by money. It was blatantly ridiculous that no one in management flagged that - including the idiot (ME) that volunteered for the position.
It was a decidedly downhill journey from then on. I am a very different person to him and he had no idea how to deal with me. He convinced himself that I was a this type of individual, wrongly, and then proceeded to only look for evidence to support his erroneous belief. In addition to this job that I detested, this manager that I disliked and who disliked me, I was also asked to do even more within the organisation. There were moments of reprieve, but on the whole it was catastrophic to my mental health. It was a constant case of gaslighting. He felt off balance and for him it was a case of a good defence being a great offence. Had I been at the top of my game, I would have told him where to stick it. However, his great offence did the job it was intended to do. I was off balance and overworked; it completely tanked my confidence.
I am looking back and trying to imagine at what point I could have clawed my way back. I honestly cannot see my point of no return. I hung on for a year until I could not hang on anymore.
Just Me.
