Relationship 101

Over the years, I have played Agony Aunt to many, many friends and I've noticed a pattern. Their complaints mainly center around a single theme: relationships. I've heard many variations of this theme; a total lack of a relationship, an over abundance of relationships, not being able to get into or out of a relationship, bad relationships, good relationships, one-sided relationships, even some imaginary relationships. The bottom line is, I've heard them all.

Based on my varied experience, listening to the relationship woes of both sexes, I have a working theory. Many of these problems are caused because too much emphasis is placed on appearance. Even my 'enlightened' male friends, and my 'liberated' female friends all hinge their courtship rituals on appearance. Everyone does this absurd dating dance where they spend a ridiculous amount of time worrying about how to make the first move without actually making the first move, or how to make the other side make the first move. There is an unbelievable amount of stress that goes into attaining this almost mythological 'first move'.

Now after extensive studies, I have observed that what constitutes a first move is different for both genders. On the one hand with women, the first move involves the man asking them out which seems on the face of it, straightforward enough. But nothing is ever that simple. There are certain criteria to the 'asking out'; for instance, it has to be individual, he can't ask you and five other friends, and while the first time need not be dinner and a movie, it can't be the local mamak for an after work 'yam cha' either. My female friend are adamant that they would not do anything until this happens. Even in this day and age, my friends refuse to be the ones to do the asking. I actually have friends who won't even show interest until the guy asks them out.

On the other hand with men, a first move constitutes a show of interest. Any woman out there who thinks men have it easy, has no clue the pressures these boys put on themselves. You see, being men, they haven't exactly defined for themselves what amounts to a show of interest. However, with their fragile egos thrown in the mix, this lack of definition muddies the waters. Men will wait until the get what they perceive to be a sign of interest because they hope that receiving that sign reduces the chance of rejection. In fact, men have a whole defence mechanisms built around avoiding rejection. Really, who can blame them, because let's face it, rejection sucks.

So there's where it stands, my guy friends play it cool and my girl friends play hard to get, but both sides agree, the last thing they want is to look desperate. I'm amazed any of my friends ever got hitched!

I have never bought in to all this hype about first appearances. In my mind, it's all very simple - if the guy is the sort who gets freaked out by a woman who asks him out, he's not the one for me anyway, so it's no skin off my back. If he is the sort of guy who forms a negative opinion of a woman who makes the first move, then I want nothing to do with him and he has no idea what he's missing.

I believe in the old adage: "Be yourself, no matter how crazy or weird. Those who matter won't mind, and those who do, don't matter."

Just Me.