Harsh Truths

I am in a quandary. I had the opportunity to be a part of something big about a year ago. I recognised the opportunity for what it was and decided to get in at the ground floor despite my misgivings. I had some considerable misgivings because of the situation that it entailed. I generally do not like to work with my friends. I realise that colleagues eventually become your friends but I would rather work with strangers and build to that level rather than vice versa. Having said all of that, the problem really wasn't the working relationship at all. The problem is my professional ethics. I have none. I would like to believe that I do but the truth is I am simply lazy. I lack focus and I get distracted by shiny objects far too easily. I let my fear rule me and I simply shut down. I have this amazing ability to fool myself. I distract myself with fiction and fantasy and food (although that is no longer an option).
They say admitting that you have a problem is the first step to getting over your problem. That's true but no one ever talks about how bloody fucking difficult it is to take that second step. I've been on the first step for 20 years! I have this absolutely clear idea of my problems from all possible angles and I am terrified of taking that second step and getting over myself. I've sabotaged every chance I've been give, barricaded the door against opportunity, looked every gift horse in the mouth and then kicked it in the teeth!
So now here I am, being given an opportunity by a friend who is too loyal to quit on me. It makes me resent her a little. I don't want her fighting my battles for me. How's this for denial? I know that she makes it a point to adopt strays and lost causes. If you're a well rounded individual you're of no value to her. I knew this. I saw this and yet I deluded myself into thinking that I was the exception to that rule. The truth is, I AM THE FREAKING RULE! So she won't give up on me. She can't carry me because she has others to answer to but she won't give up. So here I am in the unique position to have to be the one to quit. And I can't go it. I will shoot myself in the foot a million times, but I can't point the trigger at my head and put me out of my misery. *Headdesk*
Just Me.