RESOLUTIONS

 It is the start of 2026. This is usually the time where people look back on the past year and reflect on the coming year. I am like most people but I don't know if I can look back on the past year with any honesty. 

The past year has been good on the whole. I have found a good job. That has been the highlight of the year. My job has been a godsend. It is not something I envisioned for myself but I am grateful to have found it. The work is not challenging compared to what I've done in the past but I am embracing the differences. It is not some high flying corporate job but I see the potential for growth and more importantly there is no stress. Sometimes it does get boring, especially when there aren't any proposals for me to do but I am grateful. 

With that gratitude comes so much anxiety. I always feel that I am not doing enough and that I am pulling my weight. I also am constantly afraid that I am going to lose this job. I was recently told that this is  not normal behaviour. It seems logical to me. It seems logical to be afraid to lose something that is precious to you. Then again, my idea of normal is pretty skewed. 

I am determined to not worry about it. I am only going to worry if there is something to worry about. I need to speak to my bosses and see if there is anything that needs to be improved. 

The downside of the year is of course my weight. This is something that has dominated my thoughts and emotions for my whole life. It hasn't changed. My weight has gone up and with it my emotions have gone down. I try not to think about it too much and I think that is detrimental because I then don't think about the important stuff like what to eat every night. 

So maybe I should start thinking about it. Planning for it. Prepping for it. My weight already occupies all of my energy and my thoughts, I think it's time to make that work for me instead of against me. 

Just Me. 

MOTIVATION

I wake up every morning determined that today will be the day that I start my exercises and my workout regime. Every night though, whatever motivation reared its head in the daylight scarpers like it's afraid of the dark. 

So how do I bolster my motivation and how do I follow through on my decision?

Weighty Emotions

 I haven't given up sugar, I haven't been to the gym, I haven't dropped a size. The longer I sit with this weight, the more depressed I become. 

I need to take control of this and start losing weight. The longer I stay fat, the more upset I am. 

I want to take control of my weight. 

Just Me

Goal

I need to find my motivation. I have one goal. I need to get down to a size 16 by September. I promise I will do whatever it takes to get down to that weight. I will change my diet and my lifestyle. It will happen. 

I have my priorities. I will give up sugar. I will walk 1000 steps a day and I will increase my water and protein intake. 

I will be fitter and stronger and comfortable with myself. 

I will do whatever it takes. I am not opposed to a bout of bulimia or anorexia to get what I want. 

My Birthday Report

 So I turned 47 yesterday. How did the birthday go, you ask? Well it went very very well. 

I was blown away by the outpouring of well wishes from almost everyone I know. Even people I had barely met reached out to wish me a happy birthday. I got Facebook wishes from people I met donkeys years ago. I mean I know it's Facebook so it doesn't really count, but the truth is it was still heartwarming. 

I spent the day taking of myself. A mani pedi, a massage and a facial. It was good but it had elements of pain in everything. I was super uncomfortable during the mani pedi. The massage was amazing and that was the best part of the day. The facial was incredibly, incredibly painful but in the end, worth it. My face is all nice and smooth although I have a bit of a Rudolph look going on. 

So it was a nice feeling and I am quite proud of myself and the self-care I gave myself. The real chicken soup for the soul moment happened the day before when I realised that for the first time I was in a company that I could be myself in. I don't have to pretend and I don't have to hide. I can be on a diet without any repercussions or unsolicited advice. 

For the first time in a long time I have hope that I am going to lose the weight on my own. 

Just Me!

Bits & Bobs

 He's so strong Pez. So brave. He's been through so much already. He's survived...

'Ok...I get it, you're in love with him. The question remains why are you not proposing to him?'

He was forced to hide who he was by his family. He was forced into a role he disliked by the Crown. He was forced to come out because of a media scandal. Hell I forced him into this relationship. He had decided to walk away Pez. I came after him. I can't be sorry about that because I would do it again. I can't live without him in my life. I love him Pez, I can't let him go but I will be damned if I take another decision away from him!

"Alex..." 

Pez, can I have a moment alone with my boyfriend? 

ALL THE SKILLS THAT GOT YOU PROMOTED ARE NO LONGER RELEVANT

 Today was eye opening. 

It also brought out the competitive side of me. I need to take control of my job. I have spent too long fighting fires. I need to spend more time making things less flammable. 

I realise that as much as I would like to believe that I am able to multi-task and I am actually able to well enough, the unfinished business looming in the background throws me. 

I cannot focus on the task at hand because my neuro divergent brain is still harping on some unfinished thing in the background. 

I realise that maybe the anti-anxiety medications didn't actually make that much of a difference because it was not the correct medication for me. I need ADHD medication not anxiety meds. 

Just Me.